Losing a friend is such a heartbreak. A feeling of abandonment is felt and various questions can challenge us. However, we must move forward, while making a real summary of his lost friendship.
Tears, serious questioning, misunderstanding, abandonment … A friendship breakup can hurt just as much as a romantic breakup. And it is not Elisabeth de Madre, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who will say the opposite.
"I see a lot of women or men who say to me, I have my best and my boyfriend. As if this or that best friend was almost more important than the sexualized relationship. I find that this has evolved over time, as if the good friend is part of a more lasting situation than love. There are fewer cheap shots. The fact that the relationship is not sexualized makes it more durable over time. The friendly break-up can be seen as real mourning.", she explains to us.
This rupture is a feeling of betrayal, which shatters trust. And this data is very strong according to the specialist.
When it comes to the perception of a break between two beings, who have shared strong moments together, the feeling of a certain deception can be felt.
"Sadly, romantic betrayals are numerous while friendly betrayal is less common."In this case, living it is more difficult for Elisabeth de Madre, who" frequently "hears this reasoning in her office.
The psychologist states that "the friendship relationship is built, woven over time, unlike the romantic relationship which fights quickly: the attraction, the carnal, the sensual are there. So when one separates from you, it hurts a lot, because trust is broken."
With this pain, is it difficult to go back to other friendships? Like the end of a magnificent passion, reaching out to others is not easy.
"As we like to say: scalded cat fears cold water. In any friendship / relationship you have to be cautious. You should not give your confidence without a certain precaution. Progressiveness. Trust is experienced.", testifies the expert in psychology. But we need others, relationships to live a fulfilling life. "We are programmed for friendship. A single being is a being who eventually dies." according to the psychotherapist.
How to overcome this 'grief'?
Usually at the end of a couple, the boring little phrase "one lost, ten found" is heard. What to say when a couple of friends separate?
"First, you have to do this work of "mourning", understand what played out in this friendship and in this breakup. What did this friendship represent? What did he / she bring me? It is very important to do this reflective work on friendship. Better understand what could have led to the rupture. And often this action of bringing the rational into the emotional is good, soothing a lot.", comments Élisabeth de Madre.
"In friendships, you need something like that. I encourage people to engage in cultural or sporting activities to meet up with other friends. Always taking it easy, because we may run into someone toxic.", she adds.
It is important to ask yourself what a true friendship is. Élisabeth de Madre talks about a notion of freedom, of a friendship that makes people grow, that is positive for us, that encourages us, with whom we can talk. Watch out for pseudo friendships on social networks. Playing a role to please others (the false self in psychology) is the most unhealthy thing for Elisabeth de Madre. Being in an attitude of seduction is never good.
Another very important point. We can very quickly feel guilty, which is often the result of an encounter with narcissistic perverts, for the psychologist. "Just because a friendship ends doesn't mean you're guilty. There is no commitment in friendship. Everyone has the right to end a relationship. It’s that famous freedom that I told you about before. Very often, asymmetric friendships are formed or one person is more engaged than the other"She asserts. The idealization of a friendship is playing out.
And guilt is real when there is a bad act, but otherwise it is false guilt.
One last thing, friendship is nurtured, even with little attentions.
If ever the breakup is so big that you can't move on, psychologists are of great help or feel free to talk to other loved ones.