BRIGITTE: Ms. Priess, an acquaintance of mine was devastated when her cat died and cried continuously for two weeks. Didn't she exaggerate?
DR. MIRRIAM PRIESS: I would rather say that your friend did everything right. Accepting when a situation shakes me to the core is the first step if I want me to get better soon.
It would not have been healthier if she had distracted herself or rationally clarified: Is it just a cat?
A crisis always shows that we have reached the limits of our coping ability. We feel powerless, our feelings roll over us, we don't know what to do. Even the body often strikes. This inner chaos is what makes the crisis. The situations in which we reach this limit are very individual. Some blow their minds when they lose their jobs, others when their partners leave. But even the death of a pet can bring you to this limit. Resisting the crisis or ignoring the inner chaos only makes things worse.
Why is that?
If you don't want to feel that you can't handle a situation, you can of course switch to defense and say "It's not that bad" or "Close your eyes!" But this defense costs a lot of strength and does not take you one step further. On the contrary: what is is – the longer we displace it, the stronger the force with which it catches up with us. You also harden internally. Many continue to slide into crisis, sometimes to the point of exhaustion.
Do you have an example of this?
Yesterday a woman came to my office, completely distraught, who I have been accompanying in her divorce for some time. The day before, her husband had moved out after many months of fighting. She had expected to be delighted with it, but instead she felt sad and lonely now. She persuaded herself that her grief was nonsense because she could be glad that he was finally gone. But she had pondered all night and hadn't slept and was suddenly sitting in front of me with a crying spasm. The more she fought back and forth with how she felt, the more she passed out.
And then?
With my support, the woman was able to face her own feelings without prohibitions. She admitted to herself that despite all the arguments with her ex, she was deeply sad when everything was really over. It was only when she could allow this grief and fear of loneliness without condemning herself that she became calmer after a while. I can only advise anyone who is stuck in a crisis: You have to get out of self-judgment and into allowing and understanding your feelings and thoughts.
And how do you avoid the risk of getting lost in grief, disappointment or anger?
Imagine yourself getting caught in a whirlpool while swimming. Those who swim against the whirlpool will not free themselves, but only exhaust and eventually drown. The only chance: you have to take a breath and swim down to the bottom where the suction is weakest. Only there can you dive away to the side and emerge again at the water surface next to the whirlpool. When dealing with crises, this means that only those who follow the pull of their feelings and thoughts come to the calm point in themselves that allows them to reappear. But that also means that at some point you have to make the sideways movement in order not to stay on the ground and sink into your suffering. You have to look at the calm point of the situation and see: What do I need? What is really important to me? You are already approaching ideas on how to deal with the situation. And then you have to put it into practice step by step.
So people who are good at dealing with crises still allow all feelings of despair?
Yes. If they find themselves in a situation that they cannot cope with, they will not resist. They accept everything that is, including that they are finished with their Latin. And then they use all the strength they still have on themselves. They consciously turn to their feelings and thoughts and resist the impulse to act immediately. After a while they come to rest internally. And that allows them to act now.
What skills help to better manage crises?
People who are curious and open have it easier. They don't see punishment in difficult and painful situations, but rather their chance to grow. This helps them not to feel like a victim. You will also more easily discover opportunities to act in this new situation. Empathy for yourself is also valuable. Those who tend to judge themselves for their feelings continue to turn into the crisis. And belief is important. Not necessarily religious belief. But fixed values offer stability and help not to lose heart.
Attention, crisis!
If you notice the following signs in yourself, you are in deeper crisis than you would like to believe. you have to act – if necessary with therapeutic support.
Feeling faint: You have for some time now the feeling "I'm crappy, but I can not change anything."
Escape behavior: You can't switch off without several glasses of wine or beer in the evening. You also numb your inner voice with constant work or other activities.
Rigidity: You feel yourself that you are increasingly using your role or official position as an argument: "After all, I am yours …" It could be that something fundamentally changes in your life that you do not want to admit.
Walls: You often withdraw to silence or simply deny problems. You probably even have the feeling that the others are bothering you when they ask you about it.
The feeling "I am less worth": You have recently felt that other people are somehow above you or that a situation is "stronger than you". This eye-level loss is a typical sign of a crisis.
Dr. Mirriam Prieß is a doctor and psychotherapist in Hamburg. Her current book: "Resilience. The secret of inner strength".
The seven pillars of resilience
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