Palliative psychologist reveals what dying people struggle with the most at the end of their lives

palliative psychologist reveals
This is what people struggle with the most at the end of their lives

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Perhaps the ideal, and for many people the most desirable ending to their lives is to be able to go in peace and let go when it is their turn. But what are the prerequisites for this? We spoke to a palliative care psychologist about it.

Whether we are fat or thin, whether we are particularly good at recognizing patterns and completing rows of numbers or are excellent dancers, whether we go through the world alone or with our partner and family – we will all die one day. Of course that’s not the only thing that connects us or what we have in common, but it’s a pretty big and important thing that’s not always easy to deal with. Death is a difficult subject. Some people therefore avoid thinking about it and live as if they are immortal while they can. Maybe that’s not a bad strategy. But maybe it’s not bad to deal with death and one’s own mortality. This may actually help some people to appreciate their lives more and to be more conscious in making them fulfilling. And that in the end they can look back and think: Overall I did everything right.

Palliative care psychologist reveals what people most often regret before they die

The palliative psychologist Hanna Salm sees herself confronted with dying every day because of her job. At the Helios Clinic in Bad Saarow, Brandenburg, the psychologist accompanies terminally ill people, mostly cancer patients, through the last phase of their lives and provides psychological support to the dying and their families. From her experience and observations, Hanna Salm knows or has developed a feeling for the conditions under which many people can usually say goodbye more calmly and at peace with themselves and the world – and what makes some people quarrel and feel remorse.

“I’ve never seen anyone say at the end, ‘If only I had worked harder and made more money‘”, according to the psychologist. According to her, it is rather unresolved conflicts and broken relationships that preoccupy people before they die and give them the feeling of having missed something important and decisive. “If there was a loss of contact, for example to sister or another close person who was once familiar, many sufferers feel the desire to talk to this person again after the diagnosis and ideally to clear things up,” says Hanna Salm. From her point of view, this is one of the reasons for the relationships to our loved ones what is most meaningful to us in our lives.

What does this mean for our way of life?

We all have numerous decisions to make along the way. Some give us headaches for days, others keep us awake at night, and some make us uncomfortable sooner or later. In fact, we can’t really go wrong with many of our decisions – because there isn’t just one good way for each of us, but heaps. As long as we are of ours Guided by values, feelings and reasons and not by strangers, we need not regret anything that we have decided at any given point to the best of our knowledge and ability. We can also correct or absorb most of it later, when we are smarter, stronger or further along.

However, according to the observations of Hanna Salm and other psychologists, one decision seems to be particularly important and not to make it – a failure we find difficult to forgive ourselves: to prioritize the people we care about in our lives that they deserve. We can be happy as a carpenter, teacher, book author, cook. Whether we are fat or thin, whether we live in a major European city or in the countryside of China, hardly matters whether we have a fulfilling life or not. But without deep, personal, social connections, without intimate relationships, we don’t feel complete. And as long as we take that into account in our decisions, we’re definitely doing something right.

Bridget

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