Love is the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also makes quite a few. Psychologist and couple therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.
In a nutshell: Isn't that just a question of who has a "past"?
Now in detail:
He discovered the scars anyway. The witnesses of their self-harm. She couldn't hide it. "I had a bad time then," she said. He just nodded. Because he noticed that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
Violetta is in love. For the first time, in her mid-twenties. She knows that Andre will understand her. But it is difficult. She met his family, there it looked like a safe world. On the other hand, her childhood was everything, just not protected. The drug years. The dark family stories. It is not easy for her to just think about it. "Do I have to tell him everything?" She asks. "Must? No!" I say. "But if you do, it will be for you."
When two people enter into a relationship, they almost always tell each other their previous lives. We want to know: who are you, stranger? We are looking for security. Exchanging the stories of our past lives creates trust – as soon as we stop trying to impress and also share the less glorious episodes of our past. If we don't dare, our shame prevents us. Then we reject ourselves, are not reconciled with our five, 16 or 30 year old self. Then we judge ourselves because we have a son that we never see, have prostituted, or were addicted to gambling. And are afraid of being exposed to the traumatic experiences of our past again. But our unadorned life story is the first important step towards each other. We open up, make ourselves vulnerable. It is a form of intimacy. And there is no other way. Because we can only take a step towards each other if we risk being rejected. In the course of a relationship, we will have to take these steps again and again. This is the only way to keep love alive.
There are also legitimate concerns. Because of course we can encounter prejudice and resentment. Even if everyone can have a past today. Even if every celebrity suffering from loss of attention is committed to gang memberships or eating disorders. Even if 98 percent of us would remain single forever if we had to be as morally immaculate and honorable today as people 150 years ago.
On the other hand, would I get involved with someone who was imprisoned for manslaughter, for example? The past, which we do not share, is a separating secret between us. As soon as we get into difficult conflicts with each other, we urgently need to understand the past. This is the only way we can understand why our dearest person reacts so panicked and angry when we get loud. Or why we are so often exposed to his jealousy for no reason.
And there is something else. Something very important. We will never find out that we are truly loved unless we are completely open and defenselessly open to one another. But whether we believe in this unconditional love, each of us must decide for himself.
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