Paula Lambert and Barbara: "Too often people have wrong sex"

Barbara: Paula, you are here today for two reasons.

Paula: Namely?

On the one hand, because you are incredibly nice and no less funny. And on the other hand, because our topic is sex – and you are Germany's best-known expert in this field.

It's an interesting thing with the external perception. Professionally, I don't do that much sex anymore.

Rather?

I have a podcast that deals with relationships and partnership. I call it the "Podcast of Failure".

I see the point. Relationships don't have much to do with sex.

At least not at the point where people come to me.

But I also imagine that you are like a dermatologist. He can stand at a party in his spare time, but at some point someone always comes and asks whether the stain on the thigh is malicious.

And you mean …

… that you are probably being asked all the time why people are not doing well in bed.

Well, it's your own fault, I encourage you to do so on social media. But mostly it's about why relationships don't work or why someone has trouble getting to know someone in the first place. Sex is part of what happens between two people, but it is only a fraction of what we are alone and as a couple.

That's probably what everyone over 50 says to themselves.

And are right about that.

But wait a minute: if sex is actually only a fraction of ourselves, why is its absence felt so dramatic?

If you want to eat a cake and the best part is missing, it's a spoiled experience.

A cake is the same in all places.

Not at all. There are corners with more cream and less fruit. And where the bottom may not be that thick. That would be my thing, by the way.

I definitely want the cream. If necessary without a bottom.

Let's leave that with the cake. Sexuality is always about status and self-awareness. A vital sex life also means: I am young, I am fresh, I am desired. And when sex is missing, it turns the emotional situation around – I'm rejected, I'm not loved, I'm not a bit desirable.

And that does a lot to people. Understand.

That's what I mean by the cake thing: sex is a small part of us with a huge impact.

And what do you care about sex?

What I'm no longer interested in: who puts what in where. It hasn't been exciting for me for a long time. In return, the female ability to orgasm. This is a topic that really shakes me.

Do you have any current numbers?

Yes. 62 percent of all women permanently fail to come during penetration.

I thought there were more.

I also find it much worse that 80 percent of these women don't give a damn about it. Four out of five women silently accept this instead of telling their partner: You, it doesn't work that way, it doesn't work for me.

Crazy. I can't believe that. In our enlightened society, where you are confronted with sex on every corner? Where do you get the feeling that every imaginable topic is being thrown into your ears until you vomit?

But think about it: also your own sexuality? She is still ashamed, and a great many women would rather rot than admit to themselves and their partners that sex is something that needs to be discussed. And then there is another thing.

I'm curious.

How do women actually see their own sexuality, what is it for them? There are also many women in our generation and those who come afterwards for whom sex is a means to an end. So: something with which you can get a man and keep him. They moan when they fuck, so that the man feels strong, it's all about a good rating. Great in bed, the woman, five stars on Yelp, hurray!

That sounds like you're quarreling with us women.

I struggle with the images we have of each other. With the expectations we have of each other. And yes: also with what women want from men.

Okay, in your opinion: how do we women see men?

On the one hand, they have to be sensitive and lovingly care for the children, but at the same time they have to be tough, full-service providers, have a career and be real guys, and that also means that men are expected to dominate in bed. But that excludes that sexuality experiences equal rights.

You have to explain that.

Men must never have no desire. You mustn't want to be dominated. Conversely, this means: We must not dominate.

But is that true? Are we not allowed to do that?

In my experience, submissive men are quite despised in the wild. Personally, I prefer to be dominated, but there are also women and men who are different. But as long as we remain in the rigid images, it is clear that there is a certain speechlessness in bed. I don't know how you feel.

I think you have to have an overview of everything.

I am not surprised.

But I also have certain requirements. So to be with a man who doesn't cum during sex … would be unimaginable to me.

You see. Men have to come, while women have a bonus. Far too many women still have sex for the guy to have fun.

But you mean any woman could orgasm?

Clear. You just have to screw around a bit more. The ability to orgasm can be practiced.

But you have that. I mean, anyone who gets into sexuality at 16, 17, 18 has been tinkering with themselves for a few years.

Yes, women who are free inside did that. But you have no idea how many find masturbation stupid. Who therefore have no idea how they are built. What actually happens in the body when they touch here or there. And of course they can't tell their husbands either: Touch me one way or another, I like that.

What a pity!

Indeed. After all, the female sex organ has around 8,000 nerve endings. And the penis …

Two?

Well, maybe four. We are much better equipped than men. And to finish the orgasm story …

Yes! Please, please complete the orgasm story now!

… haha. In any case: Too often there is wrong sex. The vagina has no friction receptors, blunt in-out doesn't do much. Contact, contact, contact is the order of the day, it's more like orange squeezing.

I think men have learned a lot and implement it in a much more differentiated way than before.

With you maybe. Because you radiate something different. Because you know yourself, because you know your jobs. And you are probably instinctively looking for men who can do it.

How about you? Do you have a certain guy?

Well Strangely enough, almost all of my men are exactly 1.93 meters tall.

OK. Then I know one or the other. But you know, I always appreciated diversity.

How do you mean?

Well, everyone is suitable for something different. I have always been served and served. There were the weirdest guys there, but they had special skills. I was pretty broad on this topic, I'm just realizing.

Now that you say it: I once had a friend against my pattern who was around 1.65 meters tall. It only took two months, but then I realized: Little men are like little dogs, they always want to prove something. That has, let's say, turned out to be very favorable for me sexually.

But let's not kid ourselves: Size doesn't matter anyway. It takes the right combination of intelligence and feeling for really great sex, whatever that actually is.

I can tell you Really great sex is the feeling of not wanting to be with anyone else in the world at that moment.

And when you talk to each other.

And laughs. Sex is a serious matter for many and there is more to laughing about.

I rarely laughed at it. For me, sex has always been something natural and impartial.

Clear. Well-being and woe always depend on one's inner attitude. And if you always fail at the same points in life, there is a task open to you that you have not yet understood.

How about you? Did it take you a long time to get to where you are now?

Yes. I had a completely overwhelmed father who would have better never become a mother. And I haven't understood for a long time that all the unhappiness that had accumulated in my life, in my relationships, was based solely on my inner belief that I was not lovable and that I didn't deserve a good relationship. I built everything on that.

But wait a minute: if you don't believe in having a good relationship, how do you lead one?

With a constant malaise. With the very true feeling: something is wrong here. Interestingly enough, I even had a ten-year marriage this way, with someone who didn't suit me – and vice versa. But through that marriage, I ended up understanding that my entire approach on my own behalf was wrong.

But that's the best message: Even with the greatest difficulties starting out, I can eventually become the person I want to be.

And you can learn from my example not to be afraid of crises. Because crises are the stages before which you learn something. That you can climb up.

And you did it.

The hard way. When I met my current husband, he said: We'll do it, but with partner therapy.

Did you start the relationship with couples therapy?

Yes. We were both like two drownings clinging to each other. Without this start we would have perished.

Great way to get close in a relationship. Usually you get further and further away over time. Are you actually a fan of monogamy?

No It does happen that you are actually interested in someone else. I'm sure you too.

Let's put it this way: I'm not there yet. But I think it's great not to know each other with all the secrets in a relationship. In any case, I don't think that the quality of a relationship at the end of life can only be measured by the following sentence: We have always been true to each other. I am curious to see which sentence I will say at the end of my life.

Do not understand loyalty as a dogma, that is a healthy attitude because it is realistic. But it hasn’t happened to me in eleven years that I wanted someone other than my husband, which isn’t exactly what I am. But it's true: the question "Where have you been?" is completely irrelevant. The right question in a relationship is always: "How are you?"

PAULA LAMBERT, born 1974 in Munich, is actually called Susanne Frömel, and by the way: after graduating from high school, she actually studied music in Los Angeles, but then trained as a journalist in Berlin. Since 2005 she has been a Paula Lambert columnist on sex and love, first in writing, then on television ("In bed with Paula", "Paula is coming!") And now also on podcasts. Paula is married for the second time, has two sons and lives in Berlin.

STEPHAN BARTELS listened to this conversation, wrote it down and then thought intensively about loyalty and about squeezing oranges.