How much can we change our character? And when does self-optimization become unhealthy? In an interview, the psychologist Eva Asselmann reveals how you can find the balance between acceptance and personal development.
We all want to develop. But the line between healthy growth and harmful optimization mania is thin. Eva Asselmann is Professor of Differential and Personality Psychology at the HMU Health and Medical University in Potsdam. In her research, she investigates, among other things, the question of how personal growth can be effectively promoted. She also has experience as a coach and trainer. She summarized her findings in her book “Where we grow. What life events shape our personality and what really gets us ahead”. In the interview she talks about personality ideals in our society and the importance of self-acceptance.
BRIGITTE: How much of our personality is fixed? Can we change anything about the basic traits of our character?
Eva Asselmann: Our personality is a mixture of genetic makeup and environmental influences. Depending on our genes, we differ in how we respond to environmental factors such as life events. Basically, the personality is not carved in stone, we can actively change into old age. This happens through drastic experiences or through therapies and coaching. As such, we are not victims of our genes or childhood experiences. We can work on ourselves for a lifetime. However, turning 180 degrees and becoming a completely different person is very unlikely.
Why do we often wish to be different than we are?
Just as there are certain ideals of beauty for the body, many people also have an ideal of what their personality should be like. This applies, for example, to the “Big Five”, five basic characteristics: openness to new experiences, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and emotional stability. Higher levels of this have positive connotations in our society and are socially desirable. Most people therefore want to have higher values in them.
Does it make sense to actively change or is self-acceptance the better way?
Acceptance and willingness to change are not mutually exclusive. Basically, it helps to accept yourself as you are. Nevertheless, one can work specifically on those traits that cause difficulties in everyday life. Being sloppy and constantly missing appointments limits me. So I can try to be more conscientious here and there. So it’s not about becoming a different person, but about specifically starting with problematic behavior and changing it.
When do you recommend therapy or coaching?
If we notice that we have been unwell for a long time and our everyday life is affected as a result, it is advisable to seek professional help. Better too soon than too late. While therapy is about profound mental stress, coaching is more aimed at people who are facing concrete challenges. For example, if someone wants to become a better leader, coaching can help. However, one should pay attention to the qualifications of the coaches.
What exactly?
Coach is not a protected term, everyone can call themselves that. For example, you can pay attention to whether coaches have studied psychology or a comparable subject or have expertise in the subject area in question. Many years of experience or membership in a coaching association can also be quality features.
What can I do for my own development to get rid of bad habits?
It helps to set goals. The more specific they are, the easier it is to reach them. Instead of setting yourself “I want to be more conscientious”, you should name the change request directly. “I’ll be vacuuming my apartment every Wednesday evening from now on.” Or “From now on I always file letters directly.” The chances of success are also higher if you start with something small. small resolutions are easier to implement and this in turn increases self-efficacy. Goals that are too big often have a deterrent and demotivating effect.
So instead of “I do more sport” I prefer to say: “I go jogging every Wednesday”. What’s the trick to keeping it there?
It’s important to stick with the new behavior for at least six weeks. Two or three months is better. Only then will new habits form. At best, the new behavior becomes automatic and I then simply execute it in the future without having to think too much about it.
There is a fine line between personality development and optimization mania. What is the best way to walk this?
It is advisable to accept the basic traits of your own personality and to recognize the advantages in them. For example, not everyone has high values in the Big Five and that’s a good thing. Because we need diversity. If we were all knitted the same way, we wouldn’t be able to fill the many niches that exist in our society. Each character trait has its advantages and disadvantages. Those who are introverts should accept that they need more time to themselves than others. And reflect on the positive sides of this trait: those who are calm and introspective tend to be able to concentrate on one thing for longer, listen better, and be good with themselves. Introverts who tend to isolate themselves can also see how social contacts can be maintained in order not to become lonely.
When does optimizing become unhealthy?
It becomes unhealthy when we strongly reject ourselves, strive very strongly for external ideals and believe that we are only lovable when we conform to them. It also becomes difficult when self-optimization is too excessive and we try to completely change ourselves. This can hinder personality development in a positive sense rather than promote it.
Thank you for the interview!