Personality: are you selfish or altruistic?

personality
Are you an egoist or an altruist?

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If someone needs you, you are there immediately. Why actually? Are you actually doing it to help someone you care about, or is there another motive behind it? You will find out the difference between true friendliness and so-called people-pleasing in the following.

Your phone rings, it’s your best friend: she has argued with her partner and is devastated. She needs an open ear. You literally roll over to help her. You listen to her, propose solutions to the dispute, offer to come over. Who wouldn’t do that either?

Doing things that are good for other people, whether in a friendship or partnership, can be beneficial to relationships – or they backfire and disrupt relationships. The difference doesn’t depend so much on the act itself, but rather on the motivation behind it.

True compassion – altruism

In philosophy it has been debated for centuries whether altruism, total selflessness, actually exists. When one person’s behavior is beneficial to another without it being beneficial to one’s own, we speak of altruism. The term goes back to Auguste Comte, the co-founder of sociology, and for him is the highest of all virtues. But the assumption that humans are naturally selfish has apparently become more and more prevalent, making altruism in its purest form now more of a one-off ethical ideal as a practicable course of action.

Granted, when we help someone, it usually makes us feel good. Strictly speaking, it is no longer altruism because we have drawn our own benefit from the action. We may not be able to fulfill an ethical ideal, but selfless actions can. In everyday life they show up in the form of true compassion and sincere kindness. If your best friend, let’s call her Maren, has grief, then you don’t think twice: You want to help her because you care about her well-being. You want her to be happy and you do what you can to help her. And for that you don’t expect any thanks or anything in return.

People-pleasing – what is it?

People-pleasing is one thing above all else: one Addiction. A people pleaser always wants to please people and cannot say no when asked for help. However, this is not because that person has a helper syndrome – the Motivation has a selfish origin. Because mostly people pleasers expect something in return for their help. This is how an altruistic act becomes a transaction. You would then stand by Maren for example because you know that you will need her help in the near future – quid pro quo instead of compassion and kindness.

Another very common form of this addiction is Looking for confirmation. Many people hope that their help will give them recognition. They use it as a way to prove to others and to themselves that they are good people. In this case you expect Maren to use sentences like “I would never have made it without you” or “I can always rely on you” Appreciation also expresses. You probably even hope that word gets around among your mutual friends about how helpful and reliable you are. That Desire for recognition can be problematic for any relationship. Because if people pleasers don’t get the expected appreciation, they get angry.

But since they generally avoid conflicts, they do not express their anger. Instead, cherish them a silent grudge against the person who denies them recognition Has. That can put an enormous strain on a friend or partnership: Maren, for example, would not understand at all what she did “wrong”, why you are suddenly distant.

Healthy altruism

Assistance should not be viewed like a contract with a corresponding consideration. However, it is normal to be able to rely on your counterpart – this is how healthy, interpersonal relationships work. A friendship or partnership is not a one-way street; building one another is part of it. It just shouldn’t be calculated. The healthiest form of altruism is when the Benefit to the helper does not depend on the reaction of: the recipient: in depends. Because that doesn’t really help either the people pleaser or his friend.

Sources used: self-research, psychologytoday.com

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Brigitte