Limerence phenomenon
How do you overcome obsessive infatuation?
Limerence is often accompanied by a loss of control.
© NATNN/Shutterstock.com
Limerence is an intense form of falling in love that can reach the point of obsession. How do you overcome the spiral?
Most people have felt the famous butterflies in their stomachs at some point. On the one hand, they can be a sign of the excitement we feel when we are attracted to someone. But they can also be a signal from the body that it is feeling unwell – for example if there is insecurity or jealousy. Because for some it is Falling in love is the most beautiful thing you can imagine. At the same time, however, it is one of the most complex phenomena of being human. Because if it remains unrequited, it harbors the danger of limerence.
What is Limerence?
This is a state of intense infatuation that can lead to obsessive behavior. Often the entire existence revolves around the person of desire reciprocating one’s own emotions. The person is often perceived as perfect. The term “limerence” comes from the 1979 book “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love” by psychologist Dorothy Tennov. She described limerence in three phases: the idealization phase Uncertainty phase and the disillusionment phase.
But what exactly is the difference between love and limerence? According to psychologist Dr. For Giulia Poerio, Limerenz is, above all, characterized by extreme intensity, an emotional rollercoaster that fluctuates between euphoria and despair. She describes this to the New York Times: “Any sign of rejection can send you into a low, and any sign of interest can send you into a frenzy.” It’s an endless thought game of “She loves me, she loves me not.”
When does limerence become a danger?
The big problem: Those who suffer from limerence often make their own self-worth dependent on the other person, who may not even know they exist. According to Dr. Poerio can be a friend, colleague or even stranger – or a former short-term romance that feels unresolved. It is particularly bad if the other person continues to stall the limerent person. Limerenz thrives on replaying memories and small moments in your head over and over again and rehearsing possible future meetings.
This condition may even last for years. The neuroscientist Dr. Judson Brewer even calls it an “addiction.” “They get stuck in future-oriented fantasies and past-oriented regrets,” he tells the New York Times. The expectation releases dopamine in the body, which the body perceives as a reward.
According to Dr. Poerio, a large majority of people experience some form of limerence in their lives. The problem arises when there is a loss of control and one’s ability to have meaningful relationships in the real world is compromised by maintaining a non-existent relationship in one’s mind.
Overcoming the obsession spiral
Dealing with limerence can be challenging, but there are strategies that can help those affected. First of all, it helps to recognize and accept that you are experiencing limerence. A first step should be to completely break off contact with the “object of desire” and avoid situations and triggers that could intensify the feelings.
Self-care is then important: those affected should take time for activities that strengthen their own well-being – such as sports, creative hobbies or time with family and friends. Or turn the energy associated with limerence into productivity, such as pursuing personal goals. It can also help to share your feelings – be it with your personal environment or a therapist.