Standing in the baby's room in pretty yellow and orange hues, I am leaning over the wicker cradle when my legs start to shake with fatigue. It was at the end of my strength that I finally let myself fall into the rocking chair, which immediately began to rock me.
The shutters of the half-closed bedroom plunge her into a soothing darkness. The mobile enthroned above the bed diffuses delicate musical notes and reflects sparkling stars that seem to want to dance on the walls and ceiling.
I have been exhausted and on edge since returning from motherhood. It must be said that I hadn't really planned on having a baby just a few months after our little Chloe arrived. Tears on my cheeks begin to bead without my being able to stop them and my heart sinks.
Just yesterday, the doctor who wanted to be reassuring told me:
"Dear Madam, do not blame yourself, it is important to accept what is happening to you and come to terms with your emotions, time will help you"
A curious little head is pointing the tip of its nose in the bedroom and seems to want to grab all the lint from the toy box.
My husband enters, grabs our daughter's magpie on the fly, as we have fun calling her, and places a tender kiss on my forehead and then on each of my cheeks, which taste salty with tears.
"I'm going to give the little one a snack, we'll let you rest"
My eyes slide over my sweet Chloe and her pretty head with golden curls. Her hand, fragile and confident in her dad's, she walks more and more confidently on the herringbone planks of the floor.
She walks incredibly well and with such strength in her little legs.
It is in my Chloe, that I draw the strength to get up and go to remove my dress, this black dress testifying to our mourning.
I'm going to have to draw even more from this life force that is obvious to our very young Chloe. I will also have to find the right words for when she grows up and old enough to understand.
These words that will seem completely insane to him. I will have to explain to her that she had a little brother but that so small and so fragile, life will have taken him prematurely.