Happiness is also a matter of attitude. A psychologist explains how we put obstacles in the way of our own happiness.
Man wants to know – that is in his nature and was no longer a secret in Greek antiquity. But knowledge does not automatically lead to happiness – it depends on what conclusions we draw from our experiences.
For example, when we give too much importance to negative experiences and events, when we give ourselves negative labels like “failure,” or when we firmly believe that we can control things that are outside human (and especially our own) lying in control.
We have no control over our emotions – it’s hard for us to say to ourselves, “Okay, enough being down, I’m happy for now!” However, what we do have some control over is the way we think. Behavioral therapist Jeffrey S. Nevid has worked out three beliefs for “Psychology Today” that he encounters more often in his work with patients and that stand in the way of his own happiness. Above all, he gives clues as to how we can break through them.
1. “The world should take care of me, and if it doesn’t, then I should be angry and resentful!” The world isn’t fair, but that doesn’t have to make us miserable © weerapat1003 / Adobe Stock
“Unfortunately, the world and the wider universe take little to no notice of our lives,” Nevid said. Of course, if we lived in a perfect world, everyone would look out for each other – but the real world looks very different, it always has. People can and will disappoint, frustrate and fail to meet our expectations.
We cannot control how other people behave towards us. But we can very well control how we behave towards them.
Then we have a choice: We can hold grudges and stew in self-righteous anger – “or we can accept the fact that other people – one can say it so directly – do not put our own needs first,” says the behavioral therapist . We cannot control how other people behave towards us. But we can very well control how we behave towards them.
This does not mean, however, that we are at the mercy of the whims of our counterparts: “We can learn to change our relationship with others by constructively expressing our needs.” Our time in the world is limited and, by and large, we don’t even take our place in the universe for a brief moment. You can let impermanence and your own cosmic insignificance drag you down — “or accept the nature of things and make the most of the time you’re given, because you never know what tomorrow might bring,” advises Nevid.
2. “I’ll be happy once…”
“When you tie your happiness to future events, you make your emotional well-being dependent on things over which you have no control.” The therapist remembers a patient in her early 40s. She was convinced that she would be happy if she could “cure” her alcoholic husband of his addiction. “And so she waited and waited, putting her own needs aside for the day that, alas, never came.”
We bank our happiness on hopes and prayers and leave our emotional well-being to life’s vicissitudes beyond our control.
We would live in a culture where the fairytale princesses and charming princes are idealized and we expect them to whisk us away to a happy life, according to Nevid. “We place our happiness in hope and prayer, and leave our emotional well-being to life’s vicissitudes beyond our control.” But wanting something out of your control is a recipe for unhappiness. Rather, the therapist advises focusing on the things we can control, such as what we do with our lives and how we would feel about ourselves and the world.
3. “I’m not good enough.” Where does the inner voice come from that says, “You are not enough”? © AJay / Adobe Stock
The sentence: “I’m just not good enough.” meet the therapist very often during his work. “In most cases, feelings of inadequacy begin in childhood, when a child begins to think they are not as smart, attractive, worthwhile, and competent as other children,” explains Nevid.
Deep-seated convictions of one’s own inadequacy are difficult to overcome and “form the basis for a life full of self-doubt and self-reproach”. Not even successes later in life would in some cases help to overcome low self-esteem and instead lead to the development of “impostor syndrome”, a “constellation of beliefs that one’s success is undeserved or due to luck or chance”.
Thoughts have no more power over us than we give them credit for
The therapist advises paying attention to where the inner voice that puts us down is coming from. Is it the parents? Teachers? Childhood peers? It helps to realize that thoughts have no more power over us than we give them. “Take power from these thoughts by treating them as opinions, not facts. Contradict them with your inner voice as if you were counseling a person plagued by the same negative thoughts.” The therapist sums it up in the words of Oscar Wilde:
“Please don’t shoot the pianist. He’s just doing his best.” That is perhaps all any one of us can or should ever expect of ourselves.
Source used: psychologytoday.com