We rarely notice habits. But among friends or new acquaintances, they can ensure that others decide against our presence in the future. Which behaviors can become too much for others according to a psychologist.
That one friend who keeps saying the same thing over and over again. The best friend who gets upset about everything and everyone. Or other small things that you always notice negatively in the conversation – or that others notice about you, but you might not. The good news: We learn subconscious behaviors and can discard them again by noticing them and working on them.
According to psychologist Randi Gunther, the following behaviors can cause people to break off contact. On Psychology Today, she explains which unpopular patterns she encountered most often in her therapy sessions.
1. Outrage and quick frustration
Because of the smallest little problems, some of which cannot be changed, these people always have to complain or get upset loudly about it. If this happens too often, it quickly becomes too much for others. In the long run, the conversation partners usually feel helpless and no longer know how to react, explains the psychologist. In addition, the perpetually negative attitude of the respective person pulls them down with it. They often cannot understand why every little thing makes the other person mad.
2. Time pressure
People who are always preoccupied with what is in the future can seldom focus on the present. The psychologist describes that the constant feeling of being late or having to leave soon can be a problem. Because it sometimes leads to friendships being neglected and others getting the impression that the time spent is not that important to the other person.
3. Keep rehashing topics
Some have to keep telling about the same suffering that occupies them. While they get stuck on a topic and present every little detail, they mostly ignore any input. They are so involved and focused on their own experiences and opinions that helpful tips from others bounce off them.
4. The center of attention
Everything you say is related to him/her by the other person. For example: “That happened to me too” – and then your own story follows and yours is skipped. The person also doesn’t remember what you told them. There are no follow-up questions about unfinished topics, and in conversations, the focus always lands on the other person, while your information doesn’t seem to have any value.
5. Chronically late
Almost everyone has that one friend who is always late. This can be frustrating in the long run and for many, not keeping appointments is tantamount to a lack of appreciation. The problem is usually that the person simply did not plan enough time for previous tasks. Some people can come to terms with the fact that the private meeting will never be on time. A rough period can help. But for some people, the wait becomes too much at some point.
6. Unreliability
Anyone who cancels the meeting for the third time can be sure that many people will eventually no longer feel like asking questions. Trust is one of the most important values in a relationship. It’s okay to not have time every once in a while. But these people should then make a replacement proposal themselves before or at the relevant time in order to make up for the meeting. Simply not getting in touch because the other person will take care of it, shows no respect for the person and damages the relationship, explains psychologist Gunther.
7. The cent counters
With every venture, the statement “I don’t have any money for that” is made – or you have to split the costs in the restaurant or for the savings menu in the cinema exactly to the cent. For some people this is too exhausting in the long run. Of course there are people who really don’t have that much money and in these cases friends will hopefully know and be able to understand the circumstances. But cent counters are usually not that bad at cash, but they always suggest that. Activities get canceled or get a money-related comment, and the anticipation of doing something nice that involves money slowly fades away.
8. The victim role
It’s always the other person’s fault for these people. Everything always goes wrong, nothing is okay in their lives and the good that friends try to show is devalued with a negative counter-argument. They are seemingly partnered with their suffering. Listening and the helplessness of not being able to change anything sometimes becomes too much for friends.
9. Sarcasm
Sarcastic comments tend to harm others. If they are directed at friends who feel mocked or hurt, they can be the end of a friendship. If a person’s feelings are constantly hurt by taunting comments, in many cases they will eventually turn away.
Changing behavior is difficult, but not impossible
We can work on practicing empathy and thus fostering social intelligence. And active listening is often a matter of practice and improves conversations with friends. Anyone who often falls into brooding and has a very negative attitude can also try self-reflection, mindfulness exercises or meditation. However, if the person has had negative thoughts for a long time, it can make sense to talk about your problems in therapy. For some people, trying to change something themselves can lead to further problems. Namely when the desired successes “not come quickly enough” and they get the feeling that nothing will change anyway. Exercises performed alone are not the right path for everyone.
Source used: Psychology Today, PsychCentral, MindBodyGreen