We are constantly plagued by guilty consciences about things that we definitely shouldn’t feel guilty about. How do we get out of there?
It is one of the most uncomfortable feelings and yet many people carry it around with them every day. The guilty conscience wafts through our everyday life like a foggy cloud, clouding the view of decisions and relationships.
Women in particular seem to play the self-sacrificing role in which the fulfillment of needs comes first – as long as it is not their own. We take care and plan, say yes and of course, and strive to please everyone all the time. And yet at the end of the day, when we are exhausted in bed, we have a guilty conscience. How so? Because this attitude is almost impossible to achieve. Because if we only ever meet the needs of everyone else, our own will inevitably fall by the wayside.
Nevertheless, in recent years it has mysteriously become natural that such behavior is desirable. To be there for others is definitely a positive thing. But a little word has secretly crept into this project – always. We want to be always available, always strong, always reliable, always 100 percent there. What we forget: Two things always belong to this dynamic. When we give a lot, others seem capable of taking a lot. And without having a guilty conscience.
Now we don’t have to become too cold egomaniac in order to bring the interplay between other and our own needs back into balance. But it can’t hurt to question your own feelings of guilt. The longer we have lived by first-the-others-then-me, the more our consciences have been affected. The result: We feel guilty about things that are completely, really completely normal.
So how do we get out of this imbalance? By looking at situations a little more objectively, getting out of the 100 percent claim and stop feeling guilty for thinking about yourself. To start with, we have an exercise list for you: These 11 moments will be removed from the guilty conscience list with immediate effect.
11 things we don’t want to feel guilty about anymore
To have feelings.
We are not machines, we have feelings. And it’s perfectly legitimate to show them off too. In this way, we do not signal weakness, but strength – and in the best case even create a completely new empathy bridge to our counterpart, who can understand us better.
To have no feelings.
Oh dear, of course it works the other way around. You can feel incredibly bad when a relationship develops one-sided and, regardless of whether it is friendly or romantic, you just don’t feel the same way about one another. Feelings cannot be controlled and we cannot help them.
Ignoring messages.
Since the existence of smartphones, the expectation has been established that they can be reached anytime and anywhere. Not possible – otherwise we wouldn’t be busy with anything else. It’s okay not to reply directly to messages. To ignore them and to come forward when it suits you. In the past you weren’t at home all the time and stared at the answering machine.
Reject appointments.
Does it always seem to you that other people somehow have more time than you? Maybe because they don’t plan in advance at all. It’s okay not to have the time (or inclination) for whatever reason. We don’t have to justify not always being available.
To ask for help.
Nobody can do everything. And how often do we ourselves rush to the aid of others – and do this completely selflessly? It’s okay to ask for and receive help, but we don’t need to feel guilty about it.
Express your needs.
Sounds scary? Just because for too long we have lived solely according to the needs of others. Communicating clearly what you need is not selfish, nor is it something that should make you feel guilty.
Not being able to do something.
The performance society knocks on the door and tells us to always be perfect in everything. No more – not everyone can: r can do everything. And it’s much more pleasant to admit it openly than to break your conscience about it all the time.
For someone else’s behavior.
We have done it long enough – and apologized for others. No matter how we relate to someone, we are separate people and never need to feel guilty for the behavior of another adult.
To be honest.
You should never feel guilty about telling the truth, except for how you package it. People have different opinions and they are worth speaking out. It starts with the simple question “Does that suit me?” and applies equally to work, friendship or relationships.
To be ill.
It could be one of the few positive developments in the current situation: We are finally no longer going to work sick. This culture has nothing to do with commitment; health always comes first. Now all we have to do is say goodbye to the guilty conscience when we call in sick.
Listening to your body.
Speaking of health: every body is so different. Just because other people have different limits than you do doesn’t mean you have to cross yours to do so. If we don’t feel good, we should never feel guilty about it, but rather learn again to protect and cherish our bodies as they are.