Memories, interpretations, habits – numerous factors flow into our feelings that we are hardly aware of. One of these factors is our expectations.
Whether we like it or not, expectations often flow into our interpretations and classifications of our perceptions. Expectations, demands and ideas about how things should be. Whether these expectations offer us goals and orientation, whether they facilitate us and help us to order the world, or what or why they are there – they are, often without us being aware of it. No problem. However, it does have an impact on how and what we feel. This in turn can be particularly interesting (for us) if our ideas do not match reality. Four examples.
4 expectations that can influence your feelings without you even realizing it
1. Life must be beautiful.
Life has to be beautiful, I have to be mostly happy or contented, I have to enjoy living as much as possible and ideally I have to grow old. Such ideas naturally accompany many people from their youth into older adulthood and beyond. This is certainly not completely wrong or bad: positive ideas like these can motivate us and give us hope, and can strengthen and maintain our will to live. However, there is no evidence that these ideas are true. On the contrary: reality suggests that they are not.
Illness, loss, existential distress, excessive demands, loneliness, pain. It’s not entirely clear what exactly concepts like “beautiful” and “happy” encompass, but very few people would probably think of such things when the terms are mentioned – but these elements are just as much a part of life as love, enjoyment and joy and well-being. “Life must be beautiful” obviously cannot be true.
For us this means: We inevitably go through times that we could only describe as beautiful with a lot of effort. But if we have the expectation that life should be beautiful, it can cause frustration and build up pressure in times like this. We have the impression that something is wrong. Our expectation will then make it difficult for us to accept what is, perhaps even making it difficult for us to adequately deal with the pain, sadness, worry or stress we feel due to our situation.
2. People have to be good.
People have a conscience. People have to be good, build an ark in an emergency and save all living beings that exist, turn the second cheek and not always think only of themselves. We tend to expect a lot from ourselves and those around us. In the minds of most people, man is closer and more like a god than a lizard. This does have advantages: in order to conform to our image, we will strive to act morally and can cooperate better with one another instead of harming and destroying one another. However, it’s only partially true – especially the part about the god and the lizard.
We can surf the Internet, name and think about our feelings and decide what kind of person we would like to be. But we are mortal beings with limited resources and abilities. Our intelligence is limited, our needs and interests have a great influence on our actions and largely boil down to one main goal: preserving our lives (and, if necessary, those of our species).
We can certainly expect each other and ourselves to behave like humans and not like lizards. But if we believe that people always have to be good, it will be difficult for us to accept everything that we create in our limitations, our selfish urge to survive and our dependence on our organism. It will tempt us to judge and hate, while getting in the way of loving and forgiving unconditionally.
3. Others have to like me.
It is normal and understandable that we generally want to be liked. The sympathy of our fellow human beings confirms us and gives us positive feelings. As social creatures, we have an interest in being accepted by our peers. However, it is not a given that other people like us – after all, we probably don’t like every person we meet.
The basic expectation of having to be liked can make us feel hurt, attacked and insulted as soon as someone doesn’t like us. We look for reasons, doubt ourselves or the person, and possibly assume bad intentions that don’t exist. When we go through life with this basic expectation, it generally directs our focus on the people who don’t like us instead of those who do like us.
4. Everything must have a meaning.
Most people find it much easier to accept things when they see meaning in them. There must be reasons why everything is the way it is. Otherwise, for example, the sun could shine every day while it rains at night. Or each person would fall asleep peacefully when their time comes. It’s okay that we don’t know the reasons for everything – but there has to be some, because everything has a meaning.
Believing in it is basically okay and probably hurts very few people – as long as the belief is strong enough. However, it can be liberating and have a positive effect on your attitude to life not to assume that there is any fundamental meaning. For example, wouldn’t life be an impressive miracle if it had no meaning? What if it didn’t take meaning to keep us and all the other living beings perpetuating and defending it for thousands of years? Wouldn’t it be a relief if things were as they are – and that was enough? Without belief in meaning, we would have to give up a search that has been important to many people for generations. But who says we wouldn’t find anything then?