psychology
4 Signs Your Parents Were Emotionally Unpredictable
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When parents quickly become loud or start arguments over small things, a child learns to adapt. These signs may indicate that you grew up with emotionally uncontrolled parents.
The shoes are in the wrong place, the lunch box hasn’t been taken out of the school bag – and then there’s stress. No matter what the child does or doesn’t do, something always becomes a problem. And so it learns to pay attention to what it needs to do differently so that it is less likely to be complained about or yelled at. Anyone who has had to adapt in this way in their parents’ home will often carry certain behavioral patterns with them into adulthood.
Signs of emotionally uncontrolled parents
If parents cannot respond properly to their child’s feelings, it is usually due to their own emotions. In many cases, the parents’ behavior is by no means intentional – they have often adopted their parents’ behavior themselves. Or they are stressed, for example because of their job, care work and a lack of time for themselves. It can be difficult to keep a clear head and be there for the child.
There can be many reasons why parents are emotionally unavailable. Condemning them for this rarely brings relief. Instead, those affected can learn to recognize their own patterns, understand them and work on them. Here’s how you can express yourself:
1. You find it difficult to express your feelings
Was it not possible to have a quiet conversation with one or both parents as a child? This can cause that child to keep their own feelings bottled up. Because if your own view is often ignored or leads to conflicts, the lesson is: It’s better if I say as little as possible. Such a child may forget to recognize their own feelings. Even in adulthood, those affected often find it difficult to address problems or to communicate that they are hurt or have a different opinion, for example. Because in the past they often felt misunderstood or not seen.
2. You care more about other people’s feelings than your own
In a home with emotionally unavailable parents, the adults’ feelings come first. The child learns to care about their needs rather than their own. And this is often reflected in later relationships with friends or partners. What the other person wants is often their top priority.
3. You have a hard time setting boundaries
Those who have had to hold back in their parents’ home and tried to please the adults as much as possible are often unable to set limits. Maybe because the parents constantly violated these rules – for example, stormed into the room even though the door was closed, or continued to scream even though the child had already left the room. Even later as adults, you still have the feeling that your own needs and wishes are not being seen. So why set boundaries if no one sticks to them?
4. You try to avoid conflict
The child associates conflict with stress and arguments. That’s why it’s important to avoid them in adult life. Address something that concerns him:her? Better not, because that could end in conflict. Especially with people who have strong opinions, this person will often hold back because the room doesn’t seem safe enough to them. If an argument arises in a relationship, the person may close themselves off, become quiet or walk away because they have not learned how to deal with such situations differently. Therefore she chooses to escape.
Sources used: psychcentral.com, businessinsider.de, valleyoaks.org, theprivatetherapyclinic.co.uk