It is well known and acknowledged that we mourn the loss of loved ones. However, there are other, completely different triggers of grief. Why do we so rarely talk about her?
Children can cry for a variety of reasons. For example, when the scoop of strawberry ice cream falls out of the cone and spreads out on the sidewalk like a small work of art. Or when they have to abandon their Lego space expedition to get ready for bed. Or if they don’t get the promised surprise egg because Mommy is afraid it might contain salmonella. It’s okay for children, children are allowed to cry. Children are allowed to grieve when they feel like it—whether it’s a scoop of ice cream, a space expedition, or a cracking egg. But adults? Adults can’t do it that easily. When it comes to adults, a lot of people find it funny when they cry, unless Titanic is on TV again. Adults only seem to have the right to mourn if someone close to them has died (apart from catastrophic situations such as flood, war, terminal illness and the like). After all, even when a love is lost through a breakup, we are already talking about loved onesgrief instead of lovegrief.
Indeed to have But as adults we have many reasons to grieve, just like children do. Of course, we usually won’t mourn a dropped ice cream ball (which healthy adult person would drop an ice cream ball??), but we always find ourselves in situations in our lives that give cause for grief. In the online magazine “Psychology Today”, the American therapist Sarah Epstein mentions the following, for example.
4 surprising triggers of grief that hardly anyone has on their list
1. Grief for what we have decided against
Most of the time we make the decisions in our lives that we consider right: For example, we decide to separate if the partnership no longer works. Or we decide on a new job when the old one pays too little. But the mere fact that we have made our own decisions does not make the decision easy – and neither does the farewell and loss of what we leave behind and what we have decided against. A loss that we have chosen remains a loss and it can trigger sadness in us. Ideally, what we choose comforts us through our grief, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel it in the first place.
2. Mourning an invisible loss
Basically, we can always feel grief when we lose someone or something else that means something to us – and it doesn’t necessarily have to be visible or physical. For example, we can mourn a hope that we have lost, or a dream that has burst, or a passion (for our job, our partner, a hobby…) that we no longer have sense. If we change and a part of our identity is suddenly missing, this can trigger a deep sadness in us, which we have to process in the process of reorganization.
3. Sorrow because of supposed little things (which are probably more important than we thought)
Because we tend to associate grief with major losses, such as death and disaster, it can be difficult for us to allow ourselves to grieve over minor losses. For example, because of a pair of pants that are broken or too small. Or because of an idea that we were not allowed to implement. Or because of an insensitive comment from a friend. We expect ourselves to take something easy peasy as if it weren’t even a scratch, but when we feel sadness in such situations, it’s certainly justified. Maybe the pants were one of our favorite pieces in our closet, one of those pieces that we always know when we wear them we feel comfortable and at least beautiful enough. Perhaps this idea and its implementation was an expression of our desire for freedom and self-determination – from which we have to say goodbye a little more. Perhaps our friend’s comment robbed us of the certainty that she understands us and that we can trust her. The loss of security in a friendship, like the other occasions, is a valid reason for feeling grief, and not with a “Now don’t be like that!” done by our inner voice.
4. Mourning for what we must leave behind for the sake of ourselves
It seems paradoxical, but sometimes the loss of something that we consciously separate from, because this separation makes us live better in the long run, can trigger grief in us. For example, when we withdraw from a toxic friendship. Or give up an unhealthy habit or routine. We’re making a choice that’s meant to—and will—help and ease us, but we’re nonetheless losing something that was meaningful to us for a while. And that’s why we can mourn.
There are usually reasons why we feel the way we feel. We may not always know these reasons—and sometimes we don’t need to—but that doesn’t deprive our feelings of their justification or relevance. We will probably not achieve clarity, (self-)understanding and emotional balance by denying ourselves our feelings, at most this may make us dull and cold. Maybe as adults we don’t cry for a scoop of strawberry ice cream. But if we feel like it – let’s just do it.
Source used: psychologytoday.com