Emotionally unavailable?
How to access your emotions and communicate them
© Good Studio / Adobe Stock
It can be difficult to become aware of your emotions if you have never learned to do it properly – or if you have forgotten it over the course of your life. Even not understanding what’s going on inside you and how you come across to others can be very exhausting. Those affected often feel empty and unable to maintain social contacts. What can help here.
Stress, past trauma or even depression – there are many causes that can lead to us emotionally distancing ourselves. However, this protective mechanism can become a habit that is sometimes difficult to break. And that can affect relationships with friends, family members, or partners. People who do not have proper access to their emotions often do not know what they are feeling, have problems communicating their own emotions or responding to those of others. Difficulty getting involved with another person or the constant feeling of not having a proper connection with the other person are also common – although the other person often does not feel it that way. All of this can lead to those affected dropping social contacts because they misjudge the relationship.
Emotional distance can lead to behaviors that separate ourselves from others. Because when others feel they cannot communicate with us, they often choose physical distance. In relationships, partners often feel that there is no real affection because it is rarely shown, and the lack of communication often creates stressful situations. If a dispute arises, those affected cannot find the right words and usually withdraw from the conversation, which can aggravate the problem.
What can help emotionally unavailable people
Show yourself vulnerable
The biggest step to being emotionally available is to allow emotions. Whether at home or in the presence of people close to you. The feelings are often pushed away. While friends, family members or partners think everything is fine, those affected build up emotional barriers. The problem: only you know about them and other people may not even notice what triggered a situation. Talking about it can be very difficult and stressful for those affected. It may help to think for yourself first and to write about the emotions – for example in a diary. Verbalizing them is something that can initially be achieved in small steps.
Opening up to people close to you
Those affected usually do not see the influence they have on the people around them. Above all: the positive ones. Regularly exchanging ideas with friends about such things can therefore help. Familiar people can help them understand themselves and others better. Perhaps there are certain situations that have made the affected person feel insecure. A friend didn’t respond to the message for too long and he:she felt unimportant about it – but didn’t communicate that.
If this happens, the girlfriend can react and next time with a short: “I don’t have time right now, I’ll get in touch with you later!”, taking away the fear. Or a friend has canceled the meeting several times and it comes down: “He actually doesn’t want to see me”. Talking about the insecurity helps to eliminate it. The emotional wall that is built up can be torn down piece by piece – and the person learns to better understand other behavior and to react to it.
Practice mindfulness
Meditation or positive affirmations can help you feel better about yourself. For example: “I have people who love me.” It’s about self-compassion and kindness towards yourself. Because emotionally unavailable people rarely give themselves time for that. And that can be a long process that often falters as it progresses. The important thing is: It’s okay if self-help doesn’t work. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see better what exists around you and to get clarity about your own emotions.
Get professional help
Some people who have trouble sharing their emotions or embracing those of others have lived with their own way of seeing things for too long. Working on it sometimes needs the support of a therapist. In therapy, those affected learn to use the right tactics and to open up. This can even be easier compared to a neutral person. It creates a safe environment in which things can be discussed and different approaches can be tried out until at some point the right path to your own emotionality is taken.
Sources used: Psychology Today, Wysa, Healthline