We repeat some sentences like a mantra, but in the process they harm us. Stop it!
Through upbringing and patriarchal brain washing, we have internalized beliefs and values that are not necessarily good for us: being beautiful, being quiet, being motherly, for example. The feminist author and podcaster Elise Loehnen has identified several phrases that we should never say again – neither to ourselves nor to other women.
1. “Once I’ve mopped the floor, gotten the gift, and filed the tax receipts, I can continue watching my series.”
Do you also organize your everyday life with to-do lists? Many women measure their worth by what they accomplish or by specific tasks that they have crossed out on a piece of paper. “I only know women who are haunted by the feeling that they should do more in all areas of their lives. Women who strive for the title of ‘good mother’ and ‘good colleague’ with the same zeal,” writes Elise Loehnen at ” Oprah Daily”. And you’ve probably noticed it yourself: There is no finish line. There will always be things that need to be done. So let it be: rest when you need rest. Go swimming if you feel like it. Eat a piece of cake if you like it. The world won’t end if everything doesn’t get done. Yes, really not.
2. “I shouldn’t have eaten dessert – I’ll have to cut back tomorrow.”
The “worries” about our figure have become so loud and so commonplace that we often no longer notice how we put ourselves down for every pleasure. But this not only deprives us of the joy of eating, it also alienates us from our bodies. We see it as an object that we must control. And that really eats away at the joy of life.
3. “I just don’t like her”
Envy feels so bad that we suppress it as much as possible. Then he vents himself in other ways. When we speak badly about other women, there is often unrecognized envy behind it. Typically it comes in the form of criticism, with statements like “I heard that her colleagues don’t really like her” or “The way she behaves annoys me.” But the woman may only annoy us because in some ways she is what we ourselves would like to be. If we allow ourselves to feel our envy instead of judging the woman, we can use it to get in touch with our own desires. And see the success of others as an opportunity to pursue our own goals.
4. “That’s a good offer! (If I ask for more, they won’t like me anymore).”
Experience shows that when looking for a job, men usually reject the first salary offer and have little inhibition about asking for more, even if they are underqualified for the position. Women, on the other hand, often accept the first offer and are even grateful for it. The reason: Women are characterized by a “scarcity mentality,” says Elise Loehnen, because we are underrepresented in all lucrative jobs. In addition to the gender pay gap, there is also the gender wealth gap, i.e. a wealth gap: women have significantly less money than men, according to Bayerischer Rundfunk (BR), it is a good 30 percent less. We lack women as role models who earn a lot of money and are rich.
5. “I shouldn’t be angry because my husband forgot his pediatrician appointment.”
It’s infuriating when so many things in everyday life get stuck on you, but on the other hand: Nobody likes angry women. And so we often swallow our dissatisfaction because we have not learned to assert our needs without running the risk of making ourselves unpopular. After all, no one has ever praised us for putting our desires above the needs of others. Anger is there to detect injustice – we should learn to use it for this purpose.
Elise Loehnen is an American author and host of the podcast “Pulling the Thread”. Her book “On Our Best Behavior” was published in 2023.
Sources used: Oprah Daily, BR