Even if we want to do everything right, sometimes our habits and behavior patterns get in the way and cause us to sabotage our relationships. Do you find yourself in the following examples?
As humans, we can justifiably claim that we are relationship professionals. Our social structures form the basis of numerous development steps and are ultimately the prerequisite for many of our freedoms and opportunities for development. But that does not mean that it is fundamentally easy for us to have healthy relationships – regardless of whether they are friendships, partnerships or relationships with our parents, siblings or other relatives. One of the reasons for this is that we are not always very clear about what we are actually doing and why.
Through our experiences and sensations, we develop behavioral patterns and habits that may be inappropriate under changed circumstances, but which, once there, are difficult to get rid of. But it is not impossible.
With the conscious decision to do something different and open up to new experiences (which are ideally positive and reward this different behavior), we can change our behavior patterns and habits if we want and / or have to. The prerequisite for this, however, is to know them first and to perceive them in everyday life. But what should we look out for?
According to a study with almost 700 test persons by Raquel Peel and Nerina Caltabiano under the title Why Do we Sabotage Love? A Thematic Analysis of Lived Experiences of Relationship Breakdown and Maintenance The following self-sabotage patterns are particularly common in romantic partnerships – and they could also be a hindrance in other relationships.
6 habits many people use to sabotage their relationships
1. Withdrawal
If a relationship triggers feelings in us that are difficult to classify – for example (loss) fears, jealousy, love – this can lead to an involuntary withdrawal, to a distance and an invisible wall between us and the other person (stonewalling). The intention behind this is usually to protect ourselves and to maintain a feeling of control. This withdrawal can either be physical, that is, we spend less time with the person or allow less closeness, emotional – we suppress our feelings – or it affects our engagement in the relationship: we stop caring about them striving other person and investing energy in the relationship.
2. Defense
A defensive attitude often develops and manifests itself on the basis of an unstable feeling of self-worth, which can result from previous experiences of disregard, exclusion, and degradation. It expresses itself in the fact that we see any criticism as an attack, feel like victims and are immediately insulted or justify ourselves. As we can imagine, this usually means that the other person in the relationship builds up fear and inhibitions about being honest with us and addressing problems.
3. Deception
A habit that many people probably know about themselves or others: Not being honest about what we feel and instead pretending to be something to ourselves and / or the other person. Classic example: someone does something that hurts us and we say everything is okay. Possible reasons for this behavior are that we want to appear strong, are afraid of being uncomfortable, always blame ourselves for our feelings and many more – this is why this sabotage habit is so common. The problem that it inevitably leads to: When we play something to others, they don’t know how we really feel and cannot respond appropriately. We take away the chance and the possibility to understand and respond to each other.
4. Self-abandonment
It is also not uncommon for this harmful habit to arise in a relationship: We do everything we can to be the person we believe the other person likes and loves – and in return we provide our own needs as well as ours true me back. This behavior is also often related to a lack of self-esteem and an excessive fear of rejection. Since we do not consider ourselves lovable, we assume that we must earn love and loyalty, for example by doing everything right for others. The problem with this is that the other person cannot show us that they love us and that they accept us with our needs and all the trimmings. But this is exactly the experience in intimate relationships – to experience that we don’t have to do anything in order to be worth something. Thereby they give us stability in life and help us to cope with challenges and crises. Unless we prevent it by sabotaging them.
5th attack
The attack posture is in a certain way the counterpart to the defensive posture and usually arises from insecurity and an excessive need for control. By repeatedly blaming, attacking, and accusing the other person in our relationship of wrongdoing, we take matters into our own hands for our feelings, while at the same time rejecting responsibility so that we don’t doubt ourselves to need. This will probably drive many people away from us – which we then do not associate with ourselves, but rather blame them on them.
6. Push and pull compensation
Another typical toxic behavior pattern in relationships: When the other person needs us and seeks our closeness, we withdraw; when they distance themselves, we cling. It is difficult to say exactly why such a pattern arises. Are we equipped with a built-in mechanism that pretends to always want what is currently unavailable? Is it fears that drive us? Or is it an obligation to control? In any case, this habit prevents us from dropping in a relationship and pulling together with the other person and finding a flow.
Sources used: Why Do we Sabotage Love? A Thematic Analysis of Lived Experiences of Relationship Breakdown and Maintenance (tandfonline.com), psychologytoday.com