Even when we want to do everything right, sometimes our habits and behavioral patterns get in the way and lead us to sabotage our relationships. Do you see yourself in the following examples?
As humans, we can rightly claim that we are relationship professionals. Our social structures form the basis of numerous development steps and are ultimately the prerequisite for many of our freedoms and opportunities for development. But that does not mean that it is generally easy for us to have healthy relationships – whether they are friendships, partnerships or relationships with our parents, siblings or other relatives. One of the reasons for this is that we are not always entirely clear about what we are actually doing and why.
Through our experiences and sensations, we develop patterns of behavior and habits that may be inappropriate in changing circumstances, but which, once established, are difficult to shake off. But it’s not impossible.
With a conscious decision to do something differently and open ourselves to new experiences (ideally positive and rewarding that different behavior), we can change our behavior patterns and habits if we want and/or need to. The prerequisite for this, however, is to know them first and to perceive them in everyday life. But what should we even be looking for?
According to a study of almost 700 test subjects by Raquel Peel and Nerina Caltabiano entitled “Why Do We Sabotage Love? A Thematic Analysis of Lived Experiences of Relationship Breakdown and Maintenance” The following self-sabotage patterns are particularly common in romantic partnerships – and they could also be a hindrance in other relationships.
6 habits many people use to sabotage their relationships
1. retreat
If a relationship triggers feelings in us that we find difficult to classify – for example fear (of loss), jealousy, love – this can lead to us involuntarily withdrawing, keeping our distance and an invisible wall between us and the erect another person (stonewalling). The intention behind this is usually to protect ourselves and to keep a sense of control. This withdrawal can either be physical, meaning we spend less time with the person or allow less closeness, emotional – we suppress our feelings – or it impacts our engagement in the relationship: we stop caring about the person other person to try and invest energy in the relationship.
2. Defense
A defensive attitude often develops and manifests itself on the basis of unstable self-esteem, which can result from previous experiences of disdain, exclusion, and belittlement. It manifests itself in the fact that we take any criticism as an attack, feel like a victim and are immediately offended or justify ourselves. As we can imagine, a large part of this results in the other person in the relationship building up anxiety and inhibitions about being honest with us and raising problems.
3. Pretense
A habit that a lot of people probably know from themselves or others: not being honest about how we feel and instead pretending to ourselves and/or the other person. Classic example: someone does something that hurts us and we say everything is okay. Possible reasons for this behavior include wanting to appear strong, fear of being uncomfortable, always blaming ourselves for our feelings, and many more—which is why this sabotage habit is so common. The problem it inevitably leads to is that when we pretend to others, they don’t know how we really feel and can’t respond appropriately. We deprive them of the chance and the opportunity to understand us and to respond to us.
4. Self-abandonment
It is also not uncommon for this damaging habit to develop in a relationship: we do everything we can to be the person we believe the other person thinks is good and loves – and put our own needs as well as ours into it real me back. This behavior is also often related to a lack of self-confidence and an excessive fear of rejection. Since we don’t think of ourselves as lovable, we assume that we have to earn love and loyalty, for example by doing everything right for others. The problem with that is that the other person can’t show us that they love us and accept us with our needs and all the trimmings. But this is exactly what intimate relationships are all about – realizing that we don’t have to do anything to be worth something. They give us stability in life and help us to cope with challenges and crises. Unless we prevent it by sabotaging them.
5. Attack
In a way, the attacking posture is the opposite of the defensive posture and usually arises from insecurity and an exaggerated need for control. By constantly blaming, attacking, and blaming the other person in our relationship for misbehaving, we take charge of how we feel, while at the same time absolving ourselves of responsibility so that we don’t second-guess ourselves to need. This will probably drive many people away from us – which we then do not associate with ourselves, but only blame them.
6. Push and pull compensation
Another typical toxic behavior pattern in relationships: when the other person needs us and wants our closeness, we withdraw, when they distance themselves, we cling. Exactly why such a pattern emerges is difficult to say. Do we have a built-in mechanism that tells us to always want what isn’t available? Is it fear that drives us? Or is it a control compulsion? In any case, this habit prevents us from letting go in a relationship and being able to pull together with the other person and find a flow.
Sources used: Why Do we Sabotage Love? A Thematic Analysis of Lived Experiences of Relationship Breakdown and Maintenance (tandfonline.com), psychologytoday.com