They are meant nicely and are also very common in our society. Everyone has probably heard sentences like “Cheer up, it’ll be fine” or “Don’t worry so much” or even said it yourself at one point or another. Maybe out of insecurity, to break an awkward silence, or out of overwhelm and helplessness. Comforting is a skill that doesn’t actually need that much, apart from the honest willingness to want to do good to others. But what many don’t consider is that the typical phrases you hear when you’re in despair, heartbroken or worried rather convey the message that we don’t have the right to feel this way. After all, it’s not that bad after all, others would be much worse off and we would just have to try harder to make it better again.
But: Feelings are subjective, we are individuals. It’s not up to anyone to judge. Because the fact is, that’s exactly how we feel right now. It is also a fact that everyone would rather get out than take another lap in the thought carousel and feel miserable.
That’s why we shouldn’t say these sentences anymore
Basically, you just have to listen to yourself when other people say these sentences. They create pressure. They convey: Something is wrong with you. We already feel bad anyway, because of course we know a lot ourselves – after all, we are sad and not stupid. Even if the actual intention is to help the other person, these supposedly positive sentences often have the opposite effect. It’s called toxic positivity. It’s much more helpful to give our counterpart the feeling that you take him/her seriously, that you’re just there and that you have an open ear.
“Advice is also a beating”
We are far too quick to come up with solutions and advice, even though we weren’t asked. Not so good, because it also creates pressure. First of all, active listening is enough. Hugs are also a thing: not everyone likes to be hugged in such situations. Because sometimes that’s what breaks the camel’s back. Of course you can look for solutions together, but before you peddle your advice, simply ask what the other person needs at the moment or whether he/she even wants to hear our opinion.
Asking what the other needs and signaling: I’m here is usually the most important thing of all. We have collected some examples of how to react appropriately when our loved ones are doing badly, so that we do not react toxically positive ourselves in the first place.