Toxic relationships of any kind harm us. But sometimes it is not "the others" who hurt us – but we ourselves. Do you recognize yourself in these toxic behavioral patterns?
Toxic. These days, the word dominates conversations with friends as well as articles in relationship guides. Everyone and everything is suddenly toxic, the ex- or current partner, the girlfriend from before, but never us. Or? In fact, we are very quick to label others as unhealthy and poisonous these days. We like to suppress the fact that at least two people belong to every human relationship (be it friendly, partnership or collegial in nature).
No question about it: there are certainly a lot of people out there who not only act toxic, but frankly behave like idiots. And one of their favorite pastimes is constantly making us feel like we are the one to blame. With exactly this behavior, they classify themselves as the epitome of toxicity. Manipulation and power games are just two of the many subliminal traits of a toxic relationship that ultimately leaves us drained and empty. Most of the time, unfortunately, we only recognize this afterwards.
At least as difficult as realizing that you are stuck in a toxic relationship is admitting that you are the toxic part yourself. Because that can happen too. And we often only notice that when it's too late. Sometimes two characters come together who don't get the best out of each other, but rather the worst – and who ultimately find themselves in an unhealthy relationship spiral in which they no longer recognize themselves. Incidentally, this does not only have to be the case in partnerships, but can also happen in friendships or other interpersonal relationships.
It is therefore worthwhile to reflect on your own behavioral patterns from time to time. You not only learn a lot about your own relationships in life, but also about yourself.
Signs that you may be the toxic part
You are very afraid of loss.
Anyone who is very afraid of losing someone quickly develops control mechanisms. This can be expressed, for example, by secretly reading the news on the other person's cell phone. Constant jealousy, on the other hand, can lead to the fact that at some point the other person no longer dares to meet other friends for fear of hurting you.
You're not clearly communicating your needs.
Do you often seem dissatisfied because friends, colleagues or partners do not behave as you expected? Ask yourself if the other person really knows that he * she is hurting you. In a healthy relationship you can and should express your needs – only then can you take them into account. Otherwise, a part often feels as if they are constantly doing something wrong without knowing why.
You say "I'm okay" when it's not.
We all know the uncomfortable feeling when someone tells you that everything is fine – but your stomach and facial expressions tell you the opposite.
You do things for others because you want to feel good.
When a friend is doing badly, you go out of your way to help her. You bring donuts, chocolate ice cream and a bottle of wine, you sacrifice yourself – and do you feel really good? Caution: Caring is only honest if it puts the needs of the other first. But if we only do something to pat ourselves on the back, it becomes toxic. Difficult phases in other people shouldn't make you feel elated just because you can act as a saving knight.
You often question the relationship.
This toxic vortex often happens in partnerships, but can also arise in friendships: If criticism constantly causes you to question the relationship rather than yourself, at some point the other person no longer dares to speak openly to you. Interpersonal relationships are built on trust and security, not on always agreeing to one another.
You use silence or affection as a punishment or reward.
Do you feel caught out? Sometimes we expect the other person to notice that something is wrong – and avoid the conflict by keeping silent. However, this passive-aggressive behavior is already a type of manipulation. Because in order to avoid punishment, the other person tries to do everything to maintain the mood – and puts their own needs behind. Whoever reacts too exuberantly with affection and compliments at the same time, when everything is going according to his own nose, unconsciously conditions the other person for the reward.
You expect someone else to make you happy.
Ultimately, many toxic behaviors lead to false expectations: You should never blame others for your own happiness. Because in doing so they can only fail. Example: You tell other people in detail how badly you are doing – and expect them to clean up your pile of broken glass for you. In particular, self-sacrificing people are magically drawn when others make them feel needed. Don't take advantage of them. You are still responsible for yourself.