There is only one number on the scales
Tabea Ernst, 28, yoga teacher and content creator, had anorexia for years. Current status: be grateful to your (meanwhile healthy) body for having gone through everything unscathed.
“My figure was my experiment. Every morning I stood on the scales and did my body checks. First I could put my hand around my upper arm, then around my thigh. In the mirror I saw my face and underneath it a skeleton, but somehow that didn’t belong to me anymore.
Gratitude for one’s own body
I didn’t want to give up my anorexia for a long time – even after I perceived it as an illness. I had worked so hard for it, made so many sacrifices. It was my achievement, and achievement was the only thing that mattered to me since I was a child. It took me a long time to really understand that something has to change – for me and for the image of the strong, young woman that I had as a role model. I wanted to make a difference in the world, now I didn’t even have the strength to climb a flight of stairs. I had water in my heart, could no longer sleep, everything hurt.
I’ve been to the clinic twice. The first time didn’t work. The second time I was with 80 other eating disorders for five months. Every lunchtime we had to take turns to name our weight. My first thought: I can’t do that. Maybe I am not thin enough to be here? Do the others think I’m fat? To understand more and more from day to day that it is actually just a number is totally liberating. When I got home, my friends and I had a ‘Fuck the Scale’ party and smashed my scales. I never want one again.
Even after I had long since regained my normal weight, I didn’t dare to exercise for a long time for fear of relapsing. Today I do yoga simply because I enjoy it – not because I ate two pieces of cake the day before or five of my favorite cookies. Movement is great, food is great, my body is great! At the end of each lesson, I should like to thank him: Thank you for never leaving me, even if I have exploited you so much! I’m proud of you!”
On their Blog Tabea not only writes about her illness, you also learn more about topics such as body & soul, yoga & Ayurveda or food.
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