It took our author a few years to feel settled in life. Here she shares her experiences and how her attitude has changed over time.
My outlook on life has changed. No wait, I can’t say it like that. My attitude towards my life has changed. It suddenly struck me, although it certainly didn’t happen overnight, but lasted over a longer period of time. Similar to how suddenly there is no way around cleaning up after weeks of no time for household chores. Or how suddenly the day has come when your hair absolutely needs a new cut after it was lying around yesterday. When asked if I would like to grow as old as possible, I would recently answer yes.
I never wanted to grow old
Now some people might think “Huh?”. A very justified thought, which I know only too well and which I would like to address at this point. When I was a child, for reasons I won’t go into detail here, I began to feel out of place in this world. That I’m a nuisance everywhere I go and don’t fit in anywhere. For a while as a teenager, I thought a lot about how and when would be the best way to kill myself. I got rid of these thoughts in time. But even without her, I always had the feeling that it would be nice if I died early. If I fell asleep for the last time tonight, that would be good. I’d never tear down a wall to escape, but if a door opens, I’ll go through it.
That may sound more dramatic than it is – despite or with this attitude, I have lived a largely fulfilled life so far. There were terrible and difficult phases, but there were also wonderful and easy ones. I just never felt that I was attached to my life or that I was willing to put up with certain limitations and pain in order to continue living. Better short and without too much suffering than as long as possible, was perhaps my feeling. But now it’s suddenly different: I’d like to be 100 years old or older. Although that probably means spending some of my years lying in bed wondering about youth and thinking about the past, I want to live as long as I can.
Why has my attitude changed?
I would now like to explain what led to this change in my attitude – but unfortunately I can’t because I don’t know. I only have a few guesses to offer:
Maybe the change has something to do with my age. It is said that physical decline – from a purely biological point of view – begins at 25. Apparently, the first signs of wear can be observed between 30 and 40. Consistent with my experience. I’m not old yet, but I’m old enough to have already felt: The aging process is not a myth and not a theory, it’s a reality. This experience may have changed my attitude, as it made me realize that unless I wanted to break down a wall, I had no choice but to come to terms with myself and adjust my demands on my life.
Perhaps the change is related to the experiences I have gained over the past few years. I no longer have that basic feeling of being out of place that I had when I was a child, and I think that’s mainly due to what I’ve been experiencing lately. At the same time, I have observed that my life is not categorically different when it rains every day than when the sun shines every day. I undoubtedly prefer happy periods, and whatever I can do to avoid stressful and sad episodes, I do with the utmost dedication. But apparently there must be both, and in my experience there are thorns in paradise and butterflies in hell.
Maybe the shift in my attitude could also be related to several small changes I’ve made lately and the decisions I’ve made. I have shifted some priorities in my life or even clarified them and tried to adapt my behavior and my thinking – which I partially succeeded in doing. I interpret and react differently today than I did a few years ago, and it may be affecting how I view my life.
My best guess is that it is a combination of these and other things that has given me my new attitude and settled me into life. And that there is no simple formula to suddenly wake up with a different attitude towards life.
What I want to say – and what not
With these statements I do not even want to express an opinion on euthanasia, life-prolonging measures or even suicide. This is a completely different discussion for me, to which I hereby expressly make no contribution. At this moment, I’m just trying to share an observation that I don’t find irrelevant: Even a very deeply rooted view and a firmly anchored attitude to life can change over time. In my case, I didn’t force it – it happened to me in the first place, although my lifestyle certainly helped. It may change again in the future.
The conclusion I draw for myself from this observation is: In life it can be worthwhile to be patient and, when in doubt, to wait a little, even if I don’t know exactly what. Even small changes can be worth paying attention to and striving for, because sometimes they can lead to big, fundamental changes.