From over-adjusted adolescent to unconventional role model: Norman Wolf, psychosocial counselor and author, knows from his own experience how to free oneself from social constraints.
Is it a question of self-worth how well people succeed in freeing themselves from social expectations?
Norman Wolf: I think so. Lack of self-esteem can not only lead to a number of mental illnesses, it also makes us small and fearful in our life decisions. And we get caught in a vicious circle because we are constantly sending the message to ourselves: you are not good enough the way you are and you have to do everything you can to keep that from being discovered. Because then others will like you for a role that may not have much to do with you at all.
Social expectations often have something to do with gender roles: women should be professionally active, but also have children, they should look good, but in a way that doesn’t seem like they’re trying too hard. How can you learn to let this influence you less?
By stepping out of your comfort zone and often realizing with astonishment: The reactions I was afraid of aren’t happening! We usually overestimate how much others judge us or even think about us. Most people are more concerned with themselves. It also helps to make a list of pros and cons: If I decide this now, what will happen and how will I look back on my current self in ten or twenty years? Those who duck away and adapt often feel later that they have missed out on things.
Because then I will never know what would have happened if I had decided differently…
Yes, and there is often a lot of regret. But it is almost never too late to stand up for yourself and live an authentic life from then on.
In your Insta profile, you come across as a person who is confident about yourself: you wear skirts, are openly gay, and are committed to gender equality, even when you are bombarded with hate comments. Have you always had such a broad back?
No, quite the opposite. Between the ages of ten and twelve, I was badly bullied in my school class, and my self-esteem sank day by day. My strategy for dealing with this was total over-adaptation. It worked in the short term – but of course it can’t be the solution.
Because you started playing a role?
Yes, the guy who watches the right TV shows, wears the right shoes, likes and does the same things as everyone else. Then, when I was about 16, I had a good friend who dared to stand out: she always wore a tiara at the time. That got me thinking.
Why?
This striking feature worked like a filter for her: depending on how people reacted to her, she knew who the vibe was right with and who it wasn’t. Very confident. The fact that I am more like her today was a very small step-by-step process, also with the help of therapy.
This brings us back to the topic of self-esteem.
Exactly. If you are confident in your own identity, you don’t have to judge others.
Nevertheless, it happens that we ourselves become part of the problem without wanting to.
We all grew up in a society that formulates certain norms without reflecting on the fact that they do not apply to everyone. The simplest solution is to formulate open questions. This way we learn more about the person we are talking to. And perhaps we can also take the opportunity to think: what expectations have I internalized myself, and do I actually want that?
Norman Wolf studied psychology at the University of Marburg, works in psychosocial counseling and has written several books. His new guide on cyberbullying, “When looking at your cell phone becomes torture” (16 euros, mvg), will be published in the fall. He is active on social media under the profile name @deintherapeut.