Success? Love? Makes? Wealth? What do we really need to have a happy life? Harvard Professor Robert Waldinger wants the answer.
In the opinion of the Greek philosopher Plato, in order for us to be able to lead a happy life, our three soul parts, reason, will and desire, have to be in harmony with each other or do what is their task: Reason rule, the will take care of it that we follow their instructions, and that desire provides the energy that drives us – ideally held in check by the will in the direction that our reason gives us.
Almost 2,500 years and countless researches, theories and observations about happiness later it is clear: As enriching, conclusive and true as Plato’s (here very simplified and abbreviated) theory of the soul may be, the question of what constitutes a happy, successful life has it apparently not answered exhaustively. And that was probably already clear to Plato himself at the time.
Harvard study of adults development: 80 years of data on worry and happiness
The Harvard professor and psychiatrist Robert Waldinger has been grappling with the question of a happy, good life from a psychological point of view for several decades. As the fourth head of the Harvard study of adults development, he can make use of extremely meaningful data: As part of this unique long-term study, researchers have been observing and questioning a group of men on their way through life since 1938. Of the original 724 test persons, 60 are still alive today, but the group of test persons has meanwhile been expanded to include more than 2000 children and some partners of the original candidates.
With the help of the data, which is not only collected with the help of questionnaires, but also in additional, face-to-face interviews, the psychologists can understand exactly how the lives of their test subjects are (are). Which crises did they have to master? How (well) did they master it? What worries did you have? How successful have you been at your job, your marriage? How do you feel under what circumstances? In short: you can find out an incredible amount about people. In a TED talk streamed a million times, Robert Waldinger now shared one of his key observations:
The most important message we get from the 75-year study is: Good relationships make us happier and healthier. Point.
Whether it is friendships, partnerships or family relationships apparently plays no role or at most a subordinate role. “It turns out that people who are socially connected, with their family, with friends, with the community, are happier, healthier and live longer than people who have less good relationships,” said the psychiatrist. In contrast, people who are more lonely than they want to be feel less happy: “Their health deteriorates earlier in their mid-life, their brain function tends to decline and they die sooner than people who are not lonely.”
Quality over quantity: who could you call in the middle of the night?
Robert Waldinger emphasizes that it is not the quantity of our social connections that is decisive, but their quality. In order to classify these, in an interview with the psychologist Dr. Leon Windscheid, from which excerpts were published in the podcast “Betreutes Feeling”, the following criterion: How many people do you know who you could call in the middle of the night if you feel bad or are afraid? According to the expert, anyone who can think of at least one person to answer this question is significantly happier than someone who cannot name a single name. “A good life consists of good relationships,” said Waldinger. Not from many.
At first glance, this observation from the Harvard study may actually seem so obvious to some of us that it is not particularly impressive – and that the message we could derive from it does not get across. After all, it’s all too obvious: Of course we feel happier when we have people in our lives with whom we enjoy spending time, who we can count on one hundred percent, who know, understand and love us. We could have figured it out without a study.
But if it is so clear: Why do some people, for example, invest more energy in their careers than in their friendships? Why does one person spend evenings at the office instead of with a friend or partner? Why does someone prioritize a visit to the gym over a visit to a good friend in the hospital? If close relationships are the central factor in real, long-term happiness, it would make sense to put our friendships, partnerships, relationships with parents and siblings above anything else in our lives. And who knows? Perhaps taking this to heart in our decisions and priorities will also bring our three soul parts more easily into harmony with one another.
Sources used: Podcast “Betreutes Fühlen”, ted.com