If you want to raise emotionally intelligent children, communicate emotionally intelligently as a parent – and avoid the following statements.
When we talk about emotional intelligence, we mean the ability to recognize other people’s emotions and to be able to recognize, name and control one’s own feelings. But it’s important to keep in mind: This doesn’t mean being able to distance yourself from your own emotions in order to keep a “clear head”.
After all, not having access to your own feelings has little to do with intelligence, just as it has little to do with being completely at the mercy of emotions. As parents, we want to give our children the tools to help them feel, classify and describe their feelings. But how can this be achieved?
A key to this is the way we speak to our children. In an article on “Make it”, neuropsychologist Julia DiGangi reveals which sentences parents of emotionally intelligent children prefer to avoid – and which they use instead.
“Why aren’t you listening?”
When we hear stories from our own parents’ and grandparents’ childhoods, the societal consensus at the time seemed to be that children had to “function.” The fact that they are people with their own needs was not an issue in many families in the past – something that is fortunately different today. Nevertheless, it still happens today that we have a “stubborn” child in front of us and are very frustrated because we don’t have the feeling that we can get through to him. It’s just stubborn and doesn’t listen! Or could there be another origin?
“Children’s brains are designed for autonomy and the need to explore the world based on their own identity,” explains the neuropsychologist. Of secondary importance here – fortunately – is the idea of how they should behave and who they should be. But it is precisely at this point that points of friction arise. However, instead of asking a seemingly stubborn child why he or she isn’t listening, the scientist advises asking yourself as a parent: “Have I listened to you?”
“You’re disrespectful!”
While we’re wearing nostalgic glasses: Back then, people still respected their own (grand)parents! There were no objections, there was speculation. This is no longer the case in most families today – at least not for the reasons that existed back then, namely the fear of being hit or other forms of violence. When children feel safe and loved, they are better able to “find their voice and make sense of the world for themselves,” explains psychologist Emily Loeb in an interview with “The New York Times.” The challenge is to control the children’s liveliness – and any clear objections – not to be interpreted as something fundamentally bad, the scientist continued, but as “an important and necessary process”.
Children who are always respectful, obedient and obedient to adults are often afraid of those adults – and cannot thrive. Studies show that perceived psychological pressure from parents has a negative impact on children’s psyche – A higher risk of anxiety, depression and reduced self-esteem can result. Of course, it shouldn’t be about the child getting a free pass and being able to happily insult or even attack parents and other people. At the same time, the goal is not to oppress and intimidate the child.
Neuropsychologist DiGangi advises that instead of making hasty “and catastrophic” conclusions about the child’s behavior (“My child is disrespectful”), it is better to approach the offspring with openness and curiosity. It should be about explicitly affirming the willingness to listen. Ultimately, our children’s feelings would also rub off on us: If they are unsettled, we are too, says DiGangi. “So when big feelings arise, it’s natural to want to control your child’s feelings by telling them to be quiet, to calm down, or to listen better.” But as a parent, it’s not your job to control the child’s feelings – “but to control your own.”
“Why can’t you be more motivated?”
Does it sometimes seem like you can tell your kids whatever you want and still get the same answer? “Why don’t you read more?”, “Why don’t you make something again?” … and the reaction is often: “I don’t feel like it.” Every now and then it can seem to us as if our child no longer wants to do anything – except perhaps staring at video games or at the cell phone or laptop. It is important to know where the lack of motivation comes from.
“One of the most common reasons for children’s lack of motivation is problems with academic skills,” says the Child Mind Institute. And DiGangi also confirms that the reason cannot be found in unwillingness; after all, the brain is wired in such a way that it can achieve top performance “whenever and wherever it can.” The problem is not motivation, the scientist continues. “Rather, there is a mismatch between your expectations as a parent and your child’s abilities.”
Instead, she suggests an open question that shows curiosity – and that is non-judgmental. In which situations does the child show motivation? At this point, parents can follow up and ask what exactly the child likes so much – for example, about video games.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, cnbc.com, nytimes.com, sciencedirect.com