Stronger together
8 rules that enable a long, healthy relationship
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Fair communication is sometimes difficult, especially in conflicts. These rules can help to find each other again.
How does this one couple around you manage to be so damn happy? They laugh together, they tease each other affectionately, they look at each other with that sparkle in their eyes that only people who have just fallen in love do. The two probably never have a difference of opinion and hop through their lives of sunshine and rainbows holding hands.
They probably don’t. It is fairly certain that even the supposedly happiest couple on earth argues. And possibly quite regularly. “A common misconception is that happy couples fight less,” confirms psychologist Dr. Jessica Griffin and sex therapist Dr. Pepper Schwartz in a joint article on Make It. Rather, happy couples would simply argue “more effectively”.
In their work, the two repeatedly encounter couples who are stuck in their conflicts. Then they are given the task of writing down all the things that bother them about the other person and the relationship as a whole. It hardly needs clarifying: This list is a powder keg for a couple who are already at odds if you don’t approach the dialogue with certain rules.
Couples with a stable relationship follow these rules
“It’s important that you and your partner agree that the rules of the game include both tact and truth,” the therapists advise. In doing so, it helps to be aware that the “truth” is always a matter of personal perspective. Where we come from, what cultural influences there are in our lives, our upbringing, our moral principles, in short: Our understanding and interpretation of the world and its truths determines what we see as “fact”.
So if we accuse our partners of being fundamentally lazy, that may be our truth, but not necessarily a fact or the truth of our counterpart. This also shows how important it is to enter into a dialogue with the other person with openness, curiosity and good will. When both sides have the space to articulate their opinions, emotions, and needs, and then ask questions about those points instead of insisting on one’s own opinions, it can help to soften entrenched fronts and build consensus. The following rules can help:
- We want to speak honestly without being mean.
- We will not call each other names or belittle each other.
- Our goal is to solve the problem so we can move on together.
- We’re not just going to cut the conversation short, but it’s okay to take a break.
- We assume we both want the same thing: connect and improve our relationship.
- We will take the stance, “The two of us against the problem, not you against me.”
- We try to make “I feel…” statements instead of blaming each other.
- We want to formulate positive needs, for example: “I want to feel closer to you.”
Source used: cncbc.com, 3sat.de