Sometimes meetings exhaust us. This can be due to our own needs – or to so-called “energy suckers” that rob us of strength. How do I deal with it?
Psychology: Are you living past your needs?
Andrea vorm Walde is a therapist, coach and alternative practitioner for psychotherapy. She looks after her clients in a Hamburg practice and online. You can also find tips from her regularly on her blog www.andreavormwalde.de
© Andrea vorm Walde / Private
We actually have a date coming up, but we are tired, exhausted or simply don’t feel like it. We quickly scramble in our heads for an excuse for the meeting.
This is a really bad idea, as we have now learned. Andrea vorm Walde is a coach, therapist and psychological consultant. She knows the problems of social stress, rejection and self-care all too well from her practice: a good starting point for us to have an honest conversation about boundaries and their consequences.
BRIGITTE: Andrea in front of the forest, butter with Pisces: Can you unlearn how to be social?
Andrea vorm Walde: I hope not. The question is always: How do I actually tick? How much social scope do I actually need? I believe that we really often live bypassing our own needs.
Do you think some people might not need as many contacts as they had before the pandemic?
“Topics like this are really coming to the fore right now. I think that in our society it’s so important to always be social that clients feel like their popularity is expressed in the amount of dates they go on. And it is in such a way that it’s often only through exceptional situations that you realize: I’m actually living my life bypassing my own self.”
How do I deal with energy suckers?
Yes, that sounds familiar… But it’s also really hard to surrender to it. How do I manage to set boundaries without hurting others? For example, if I cancel a meeting because it’s too much for me, even though I don’t have a proper explanation?
“You have an explanation: namely, taking care of yourself! The only question is how much you can be really honest with the person and how dare you be honest. That’s a challenge. With really good friends you should have the courage to say, I just don’t want to go away tonight. And maybe in three weeks I won’t like it either.But anything further away is difficult and we’re just really not used to saying no.”
And what’s the way there?
“It only works with honesty. You can perhaps say quite clearly: You, that has nothing to do with you, it has something to do with me. And if he or she doesn’t understand that… Yes , then you also have to consider whether the person is really in good hands in your own life. But sometimes you get caught up in it if you just talk about it openly and honestly: you, me want just don’t see you every week. I can’t do that, but I’m really happy when we see each other every two months and then we have a great evening!”
Yes, honesty really helps. I think it also takes the pressure out of the meeting when you know that no one here will be angry if I cancel. Otherwise, appointments quickly become stressful appointments…
“Absolutely and it’s true: the better we take care of ourselves, make sure that we are stable and happy, the more we can dedicate ourselves to others. Otherwise it wouldn’t work at all, then it would be sacrificing. That It wouldn’t be nice for the other person either, I would find it terrible if people only met me because they didn’t dare to tell me ‘I can’t do that right now’. I don’t fit either myself or the relationship “Stop it, you’re not doing anyone else any favors.”
And what if it’s not about time but about emotional capacity? Sometimes you have the feeling that you have so much work to do on your own that you can’t take care of your girlfriend’s heartache.
“It’s also a self-care topic. But it’s also about: Can I still achieve something here? When I think back to my teenage years, everyone told and listened to all the heartbreak stories over and over again. As far as I remember, That didn’t really help any of us, because listening is of course important, but it has been proven that discussing a problem over and over again doesn’t help. On the contrary: the brain stores it with each new one Discussion in more detail. Sometimes you can and have to say: Look, I can’t help you with this right now, but I’ll think about it with you: What or who can help you?
What I want to say: Of course, support has its limits, I think some things have to be done – for example, if I have to accompany my girlfriend to a funeral, I reschedule all the appointments. But when someone is such a constant problem person who drains you because he doesn’t accept any real help, it has nothing to do with friendship anymore.”
And then? That somehow feels like abandonment to me.
“Then of course you have to think about: Do you dare to speak openly? You can also ask yourself: Am I able to be there for someone and am I of any help at all?? There’s a difference whether I listen to the problem again and again or whether I do something different and say: Look, how about we just go on a bike ride on Sunday instead or something like that? Here too, the best way to solve this is to be honest.”
Thank you very much for the conversation!