Especially at the beginning of a relationship, when rose-colored glasses cloud your view, it is not always easy to tell whether someone is taking advantage of you. But there are a few clear warning signs that could indicate this.
Would you do almost anything for your loved ones? Someone close to you isn’t feeling well, you’re there straight away, they need help with a project, they can count on you, they need someone to talk to? You would also answer the phone in the middle of the night. These behaviors honor you and are not at all problematic. On the contrary: they show that you are an emphatic and helpful person who can be relied on.
It only becomes a problem when you are in a relationship in which this is not reciprocated – and the other party is more or less out for their own benefit. This doesn’t have to mean that the person is a bad person, the behaviors may be underlying underlying issues. Nevertheless, it is important for donors to recognize and address the imbalance in the dynamics.
3 signs that may indicate you are being exploited
1. How do you feel after the meetings?
Pay attention to how you feel after meeting the person. Ideally, a date should be something nice that you look forward to and that you can still draw on afterwards. However, if you feel empty, burnt out, or even sad after meeting a person, there may be something wrong. This could be an indication that this person is draining a lot of your energy without giving anything back.
This doesn’t mean that you have to be filled with feelings of happiness after every meeting. Because of course a meeting can sometimes be stressful, everyone has a bad day and can’t always give their all. But if it’s the rule that you feel bad after the dates, that’s not good.
2. Do you need to speak after the meetings?
Another signal that someone might be taking advantage of you is if, after a long conversation, you feel a strong need to talk to someone else about it or maybe even feel like you need to vomit. Presumably because it is often about the problems and needs of others. There is no room for your topics or they are downplayed. This behavior on the part of your counterpart creates an imbalance in which you always give and get nothing or at least significantly less in return. This is frustrating, at least subconsciously. Because those affected sometimes don’t even notice the imbalance.
After meetings, maybe you feel like you need to confide in someone or vent your frustration? Pay attention to whether friends point out to you that your thoughts often revolve around other people’s problems. These can all be indications that the person in question is not good for you.
3. The contact is irregular?
Does the person always contact you when they want something from you? Then that’s a pretty clear sign of exploitative behavior. However, it is not always easy to understand this when you are in the interpersonal relationship yourself. If it’s a person who constantly wants something from you but doesn’t mean much to you, then you’ll probably find it easier to practice setting boundaries.
However, if you have deeper feelings for the person – whether platonic or romantic – and actually want continuous contact, then things look different again. You’ll probably be happy about every attempt at contact and are holding on to straws. Exposing the pattern and admitting to yourself that the person is exploiting you rather than being genuinely interested in you is difficult and painful.
You can do that now
Unfortunately, it is often much easier for an outside person to expose exploitative relationship patterns, but if you are part of the toxic dynamic yourself, it is – as described above – much more difficult to recognize it. We’ve all probably been involved in a story like this, making excuses and apologies for the person who hurt us because we were in love with them. We then justified the behavior to ourselves – and to friends who wanted to warn us – with self-deceptive phrases like “he’s not that good at writing,” “she’s under so much stress at work right now,” and so on.
Recognizing the imbalance and putting an end to the dynamic is anything but easy; it may require support from friends or professional therapeutic help. But it is the only way to stand by yourself. Overall, it’s about getting to know your own needs in the first step, expressing them in the second step and setting boundaries and standing up for these needs in the third.
Sources used: zeit.de, psychologytoday.com, 7mind.de