Yes, there is such a thing as too much kindness. How you can recognize it in yourself.
Now some people may have read the headline and thought: “Excuse me? How can you be too nice? It’s never wrong to be kind to your fellow human beings!” And this person would certainly be right with the objection: kindness is contagious, reduces stress and helps against it Anxiety disorders. So what reason would there be to be less friendly?
In fact, it is like this: As with so many things in life, when it comes to kindness, the amount is absolutely crucial. It can be a tomuch in kindness when we regularly put our own needs aside, primarily want to please other people and avoid important conflicts. We’ve collected a few signs that may indicate that you’re unfortunately being too nice.
You’re a people pleaser
When was the last time you said to someone, “I have a different opinion”? A people-pleaser might feel a cold shiver running down their spine at the thought of this form of confrontation. “Their thoughts always revolve around the question of how they can ensure that the others around them are happy,” explains qualified psychologist Dr. Bärbel Wardetzki the phenomenon in an interview with the “AOK” health magazine. In this way, they would not only adapt their way of thinking and their behavior to other people, but also their feelings. “If you want to please everyone, you hide your own anger when it doesn’t seem appropriate in society.”
Video: This is why being “too nice” isn’t good for you
Why do certain people tend to always want to please? According to the psychologist, the origin may be an addiction to recognition. But it is also possible that there is a strong need for harmony and, above all, a fear of being rejected. “They hope that their behavior will make people around them like them and accept them.” A behavioral pattern that often has its origins in childhood: For example, if the child only experiences love and attention when it makes sure that its parents are doing well.
You’re constantly apologizing for something
A person bumps into you as they walk by – it’s so obvious that they were behaving inconsiderately and yet you’re the person who instinctively apologizes. Are you familiar with that? Over-apologizing can actually be a sign that you’re being too kind – even under certain circumstances a mental illness. Of course, there are many times when it is more than appropriate to apologize – but there are also times when an apology is not helpful.
There can be several reasons why we feel the need to constantly apologize:
- false guilt (so we feel responsible even though we are not)
- Transferred guilt (we feel guilty for the behavior of others because they feel no guilt themselves)
- the striving for recognition (the line between being a people pleaser is blurred)
- a low self-esteem
“If someone has low self-esteem, the person may feel like they are taking up too much space, demanding too much, or being a nuisance,” Shahar Lawrence tells PsychCentral. “In this case, they apologize profusely because they feel like they don’t deserve time, space, or attention.” Instead of constantly apologizing for everything, you can try saying thank you: “I’m sorry I’m late” can then become “Thanks for your patience.” “Sorry, I can’t come today” becomes “Thanks for the invitation, I can’t come today.”
And sometimes it’s perfectly okay to swallow our need to apologize, explains psychologist Dr. Cynthia King told PsychCentral: “It can be meaningful to pause before we react.” During this time we can take a moment and ask ourselves: Have I really done something wrong? And if so, how bad was this mistake really?
You avoid conflict wherever possible
Those who avoid conflict usually suffer from a deep-rooted fear of upsetting others. You may have grown up in an environment that was very unwelcoming and critical. Speaking out loud and, worse yet, defending your own opinions may feel nerve-wracking and even frightening. And the obvious solution is to keep it to yourself. After all, you are a friendly person who doesn’t seek conflict for the sake of conflict. Who can think of his part. But is it that simple?
Those who avoid conflict – whether in romantic, platonic or professional relationships – tend to:
- Denying or ignoring problems
- To deliberately avoid conversations or certain topics
- Having an inner resentment towards people or unresolved problems
So what might seem like an easier solution at first has long-term and negative consequences – for your psyche and your body. One study even came to the conclusion that it can be harmful to your health to always swallow your own feelings.
Anyone who tends to behave like this can try to find a new framework for a confrontation: it doesn’t always have to be a destructive argument. A conflict has many positive sides and can bring about changes that feel good and right. It can also be helpful to prepare for a confrontation, for example by formulating the points that are important. Above all: It’s okay to not feel comfortable in the moment of conflict. Your emotions are justified – but you as a person have them and so do your worries and concerns.
Sources used: randomactsofkindness.org, pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, psych.ubc.ca, aok.de, psychcentral.com, healthline.com, “Psych2Go” on youtube.com