Why do we have the feeling so often that we are not good enough? In an interview with GUIDO, podcaster and author Laura Seiler talks about “living in fear” – and how we can recognize and transform it.
Sometimes we feel like we’re lost in life. Nothing feels right anymore, but we can’t really untangle our inner traffic chaos either. This is how Alma feels when she wakes up in the morning and just can’t anymore. She takes a shower. And when the water mixes with tears, she decides that it is enough. So she goes on a journey – back to herself.
Many people feel like Alma at one moment or another in their lives, as their creator Laura Malina Seiler tells me in our interview. With her new novel “Back to Me” she currently seems to hit a nerve. I wanted to know from her where this feeling of having taken the wrong turn can come from – and how to get back on the right lane.
“The only way you can feel ready is by doing it.”
Congratulations on the new book, Laura! “Back to Me” is about Alma and her 90-year-old self. How did you come up with the idea?
Laura Malina Seiler: The idea arose from the fact that I have been practicing a meditation technique, a kind of visualization, in which I connect with my 90-year-old self for years. I have such a wonderful connection with my own future self. That has often given me strength and confidence, but also hope and clarity. At some point I thought: How cool would it be if I wrote a book out of it, about a dialogue between a young woman and her 90-year-old self?
Many have this dream of writing a novel, but very few implement it. What did you do differently
I know the answer is stupid, but in the end it really is: just do it. Get out of the head carousel. There is no other way to write a book than flip open your laptop, open the document, and write the first sentence. And for me it is like this: when I have overcome this first, terrible step, it suddenly becomes easier.
The biggest mistake we make in our life is waiting for us to feel ready to do something. We think: tomorrow I’ll wake up and be ready! That will not happen. The only way you can feel ready is by doing it.
There are warning signs that tell us that we are living in fear rather than love – if we listen
Yes, I think there is a lot of pressure to succeed or even self-doubt behind it. What if it doesn’t work? In your book you call that “living in fear instead of love”, what do you mean by that?
I believe love and fear are the two poles on which we balance our lives. And most people actually live in fear, in the feeling that they are not enough. It’s like a hole in you that you always want to somehow fill with external things. The new handbag, the pair of shoes will not fill the hole.
But?
The way to love is inner work. I make sure that I build a friendly, loving relationship with myself. It starts with the way we talk to ourselves. So instead of looking in the mirror in the morning and saying: How do you look again, to say: I love you. I take care of you I’m proud of you.”
I think so many people live in a very negative relationship to themselves that they don’t even notice. Are there any warning signs that you are living in fear?
Absolutely. There are very different levels, for example the physical one. Whether it is neurodermatitis, we sweat profusely, have stomach rumbling, heartburn or even migraines. These are all things that have to do with poor nutrition, for example – or that can be psychosomatic. The problem is, if we keep taking a pill, the problem behind it won’t go away. It manifests on a deeper level.
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That means, it is incredibly important to be mindful on the physical level and to perceive: When do I always get a headache? So not to say: Oh man, now I have XY again, but to pause. To question yourself. I’ll see what my body is trying to tell me. The body is incredibly intelligent. We don’t have to numb ourselves, we just feel.
Then there is the outer level. Warning signs are, for example, when we notice that something doesn’t feel right at the moment. That we’re always taking Constant stress or Constant tension stand.
How do I manage to notice these warning signs? Do you have an exercise or a tip?
I’m a huge fan of simply taking a quarter of an hour in the morning to do a short meditation, maybe a breathing exercise over tea or coffee.
By checking WhatsApp and Instagram in the morning, we are always immediately in reaction mode instead of being with ourselves. If we are not in contact with ourselves, how are we really supposed to come in contact with the world? I recommend always doing a little check-in on yourself. To watch: How am I doing right now? Do i need anything? Is something harming me? Perceiving your own emotions. And yes, it’s a lot about mindfulness and awareness.
The moment you allow yourself to feel all these feelings – only then can you let them go.
But I can already hear people whispering in my ear when I have stress symptoms, etc.: Don’t act like that. Just pull yourself together, this is normal life. Why does mindfulness and this feeling of being in oneself still meet with such great resistance in our society?
Because, of course, it’s the more difficult way first. It is more difficult to really feel and also to perceive pain, disappointment, maybe even anger. All these uncomfortable feelings that we try to run away from all the time. The moment you decide to say: I am now looking at a psychosomatic symptom, for example, you will probably find a feeling behind it that is most likely unpleasant – coupled with an experience that can still be healed. This defense comes automatically. Then we’d rather distract ourselves, watch Netflix, just not to feel this pain. And I think that’s a big problem in our society.
But I think a lot of people are just afraid of what happens when they step into the pain …
The truth is: nothing happens. On the contrary: only in the moment when you allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to forgive, allow yourself to feel all these feelings – only then can we let them go.