psychology
Therapist in an interview
“Anger is too often swallowed by women”
© Indee.stocker19 / Shutterstock
Anger is a basic emotion, and yet some people don’t even recognize it when they’re angry. Then anger can find its own way.
When it comes to anger, many people have in mind a little figure that simmers, rages, and then hits the ceiling, red-faced—just like we were taught in the days of the HB male. He attracted everyone’s attention with his outbursts of anger, advertising mission fulfilled. In reality, such an idea now creates a general feeling of shame for some of us, who reveals their feelings to such an intensity these days? Very few – and we would almost assume that even fewer of them are of a female nature. Rather, nowadays a veil of smiles has draped over our society, under which people diligently oppress and make up with themselves. The public dissemination of negative feelings, especially anger, is therefore completely foreign to many people. It is one of the basic emotions of each of us, it is put into our cradle, as can be regularly observed in defiant, screaming children in the supermarket.
To this day, there is a gender-specific upbringing that teaches girls that they should be nice and quiet
Is it a coincidence that the angry advertising character from back then is male? And what happens when you hide anger until you hardly feel it yourself? We spoke to Andrea vorm Walde about this. She is a psychological consultant in Hamburg and describes herself as a “lawyer of the heart”. And she knows that anger can also be on our hearts and negatively affect our lives if we ignore it permanently. As a woman, however, we have inherited this behavior from the cradle: “To this day, there is a gender-specific upbringing that teaches girls that they should be nice and quiet – in contrast to boys, who are allowed to do something completely different will,” she says, adding: “The problem I see specifically with women and anger is that they swallow it too often.”
Men, on the other hand, are often better able to vent their anger, but then often become more aggressive. So does the solution lie in the HB male? No, reassures Andrea, contrary to popular belief, it’s not about anger necessarily having to go outside: “It is much more important to know for yourself what actually makes you angry and why you react with such a strong emotion.”
Then anger can also be a very positive emotion – by showing us where our limits are and when they are crossed. Those who swallow anger often ignore their own needs. According to the therapist, this often does not even happen consciously: “The less we dare to live feelings, the more we ignore them and they remain hidden”, explains Andrea. In this case, hidden means not only from the outside world, but even from oneself. Anyone who keeps learning to suppress emotions will eventually forget how to feel them.
When anger speaks to us through the body
If the anger is permanently denied, it does not go away just because we ourselves no longer know how to interpret it. Rather, feelings are smarter than you think: “If we suppress emotions for too long, they will always make their way and show themselves physically”, warns the expert. This can be shown, for example, by headaches, neck pain and tension. But also about the classic abdominal pain that can come from the “anger in the stomach”: “This is to be understood as an alarm call from the soul and applies to all sorts of feelings, including anger, of course.”
In order to get closer to the feeling again, we don’t have to break out or continue simmering inside – but rather start a hike to the volcano to take a closer look at what’s hidden inside. Then nobody need be afraid of anger, Andrea encourages: “Whether you swallow them or ‘yell at them’ doesn’t decide our inner peace and our mental health, but the processing of the backgrounds.”
Andrea vorm Walde is a psychological consultant in Hamburg, andreavormwalde.de