Palliative psychologist reveals
What people struggle with most at the end of their lives
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The ideal and, for many people, most desirable finale to their life is probably to be able to leave in peace and let go when it is their turn. But what prerequisites are necessary for this? We spoke to a palliative psychologist about this.
Whether we are fat or thin, whether we are particularly good at recognizing patterns and completing number sequences or dancing excellently, whether we go through the world single or with a partner and family – we will all die one day. Of course, that’s not the only thing that connects us or what we have in common, but it’s a pretty big and important thing that’s not always easy to deal with.
Death is a difficult topic. That’s why some people avoid thinking about it and live as if they were immortal as long as they can. Maybe that’s not a bad strategy. But maybe it’s not a bad thing to come to terms with death and your own mortality. This may actually help some people to appreciate their lives more and to design them more consciously in such a way that it fulfills them. And that at the end they can look back and think: Overall, I did everything right.
Palliative psychologist reveals what people most often regret before they die
The palliative psychologist Hanna Salm is confronted with dying every day because of her job. At the Helios Clinic in Bad Saarow, Brandenburg, the psychologist accompanies terminally ill people, mostly cancer patients, through their final phase of life and provides psychological support to the dying and their relatives. From her experience and observations, Hanna Salm knows or has developed a feeling for the conditions under which many people can usually say goodbye calmly and at peace with themselves and the world – and what causes some to struggle and feel regret.
“I’ve never seen anyone say at the end: ‘If only I had worked harder and earned more money‘”, says the psychologist. Rather, according to her, it is most often unresolved conflicts and broken relationships that concern people before their death and give them the feeling that they have missed something important and decisive. “If there was a break in contact, for example the sister or another once-familiar, close person, “after the diagnosis, many sick people feel the desire to talk to this person again and, in the best case, to clear things up,” says Hanna Salm. From her point of view, this is one of the reasons for the relationships to our loved ones, what has the most meaning for us in our lives.
What consequences does this have for the way we live our lives?
We all have numerous decisions to make along the way. Some give us headaches for days, others leave us unable to sleep for nights, and some make us feel uncomfortable sooner or later. In fact, when it comes to many of our decisions, we can’t really go wrong – there isn’t just one good path for each of us, but tons of them. As long as we are away from ours If we are guided by values, feelings and reasons and not by others, we do not need to regret anything that we have decided at a certain point with the best of our knowledge and ability. We can correct or absorb most of it later, when we are smarter, stronger or further along.
However, according to the observations of Hanna Salm and other psychologists, one decision seems to be particularly important and not making it is an omission that we find difficult to forgive: giving priority in our lives to the people who mean something to us that they deserve. We can be happy as carpenters, teachers, authors, and cooks. Whether we are fat or thin, live in a big European city or in the countryside in China, plays little role in whether we have a fulfilling life or not. But without deep, personal, social connections, without intimate relationships, we do not feel complete. And as long as we take this into account when making our decisions, we are definitely doing one thing right.