Psychology: Which sentences definitely do not help people in a crisis

Crisis?
These 8 sentences don’t help – and what you can say instead

If friends, colleagues or family members are doing badly, we are often overwhelmed and don’t know how we can help. One of these sentences quickly slips out of us. Unfortunately they don’t help. Our author has collected what really helps.

Each of us has already heard one of these sentences, certainly not just once and maybe even answered it myself – unfortunately me too. Yes, it was nice, I didn’t know any better and I was helpless. Comforting is a skill that doesn’t actually need that much, apart from the honest willingness to do good to others. “Head up” and Co. have not helped anyone who is desperate and already feels terrible. At the same time, they devalue us and send the message that we have no right to feel this way. After all, it’s not that bad after all, we’re exaggerating and should just cry less.

But: Feelings are subjective, we are individuals. It’s not up to anyone to judge. Because the fact is, that’s exactly how we feel right now. It is also a fact that everyone would rather get out than take another lap in the thought carousel.

Please delete the following sentences and replace them with alternatives

1. Don’t: Cheer up!

Do: It’s okay that you feel bad. I’m here for you.

2. Don’t: Why are you sad, you have everything?

Do: You’re allowed to feel like this. Does it help you to write down the things you are thankful for right now?

3. Don’t: Others have it much worse than you.

Do: You are not alone with your feelings. If you want to talk about it, I am here for you.

4. Don’t: Don’t think about it so much!

Do: You are so strong and have accomplished so much, you can do it here too. If you need me I will be there for you.

5. Don’t: Let’s have a drink and you’ll feel better.

Do: Alcohol can make it worse. Let’s do something that’s good for you.

6. Don’t: Think positively.

Do: I know it feels bad right now, but it won’t stay like this forever.

7. Don’t: Have you ever tried yoga?

Do: Would it help if we made an emergency list together of things that are good for you?

8. Don’t: Relax!

Do: What can I do for you?

Why shouldn’t we say these sentences anymore?

They create pressure. They convey: Something is wrong with you. We already feel bad anyway, because of course we know a lot ourselves – after all, we are sad and not stupid. It is more helpful to give our counterpart the feeling of taking him/her seriously, simply being there and having an open ear.

Please no unsolicited advice

We are far too quick to offer solutions and advice, even though we weren’t asked. Not so good, because it also creates pressure. First of all, active listening is enough. Giving a hug is also a thing: Not everyone likes being hugged in such situations. Because sometimes it is exactly that, that in the end the last bit of composure that you have retained brings you down. Of course you can look for solutions together, but before you peddle your advice, simply ask what the other person needs at the moment or whether he/she even wants to hear our opinion. And even if it comes: “I don’t know!” he:she will say at some point what helps the most.

barbara