Psychology: why 80 percent are the new 100

BRIGITTE: Isn’t it actually positive when we ask a lot of ourselves?

Helen Heinemann: A big problem with perfectionism and the excessive independence that goes with it is that we no longer leave any interfaces open to connect with other people. Because: If we do everything perfectly, just say smart sentences and manage everything on our own, there is nothing left open to which partners or friends can dock. The participants in my burnout prevention courses very often complain not only about the stress in their life, but also about the loneliness. Perfection just makes you lonely. The social exchange is very important for our well-being.

“80 is the new 100 percent” is the new trend phrase. Sounds great, but how do you get there?

In very small steps. For example, one participant asked someone in the supermarket to hold her bag for a moment. A small exercise, but for her a huge effort and a great sense of achievement. Because the other person smiled at them and loved to do it. One can learn to live less perfectly.

You have seen many people for whom the stress becomes too much. Is there something that connects them all?

Yes – it mainly hits the nice ones.

What do you mean?

Almost all of the participants in my courses are sensitive, committed, conscientious people. They are empathetic mothers and competent colleagues. Their common problem is: They no longer take place in their lives. That exhausts them.

You have to explain that in more detail.

We often think that external circumstances have to change in order for the stress to subside. But when I’m a working mother, my day is just full, there is little that can be done about it. And even if I don’t have any children but are passionate about my job, I can’t just say: Oh, from today on I’ll only do half of my tasks. If we want to get out of the stressful attitude towards life, we have to learn to control our lives again: I decide when I do what. Then the stress subsides and the strength comes back.

That sounds good. But how do you do it?

By remembering your personal sources of strength again. And by reflecting on what is holding you back from being the determining factor in your own life. For example, if I am internally convinced that the phrase “work first, then enjoyment” is correct, then work determines my enjoyment. I don’t allow myself to relax until all the work is done. But as a working mom, I’ll never get to that point! Another example: If I believe: “Only perfect is good enough”, then the result determines me. I won’t relax if I haven’t done something in the best way possible. In both cases I am externally controlled – and no longer the determining factor in my life.

Where do such beliefs come from?

Many people already know from childhood that they mainly received recognition or attention when they did something well. It’s not so much about praise, but more about the feeling of belonging. When I do it right, mom and dad like me and want me around. You absorb this experience and at some point no longer question it. It feels good and right to be perfect or to please everyone. It is only when we feel exhausted that it becomes clear that something is wrong with this attitude.

What would be more favorable thoughts?

How about “work and pleasure are part of life”? You can feel the stressful effect immediately! Work and pleasure are on an equal footing. Each in its own time. And I myself decide when it is time for what.

How can I change my posture like that?

In a playful way. When I do things in a playful way, I allow myself to be spontaneous or to try something out. I see what works – and if it doesn’t work, I try differently. I may dare to test what a day feels like when work and pleasure are equally important. And then I keep looking.

When I imagine, I just let go. Aren’t there also fears? After all, I’m no longer the most reliable colleague or mother.

Everyone comes to this point. Then a change of perspective helps. An example: I just knitted socks for my grandchildren. I was late, so I knitted in the subway and wherever possible. Now I’ve seen I dropped a few stitches. I wanted to get it started right away. Because I think it’s nice when it’s perfect – especially with a gift. But then it occurred to me that the Persian carpet weavers always make a mistake in the carpet. Because only Allah is perfect. So I said to myself: I’ll see that. I just sewed the loose stitches. And honestly: you don’t see it at all. Still, it wasn’t easy for me. But the other perspective helped me.

Can this attitude also help us in this stressful Corona time?

Absolutely. The pandemic creates situations that can be very stressful. Things are going differently than planned. Some things don’t work at all. This gives us the opportunity to try out new things, to experiment – without the claim that it is immediately perfect. And we can get help if we can’t get anywhere on our own. All of this also helps us to get through this crisis. In the best case scenario, we will even grow from it.

Do you also have a few specific tips on how we can survive this phase?

Instead of despairing that celebrations and events are not taking place, one could say: now it’s time for something different. What is going instead? Maybe you talk to grandma on the phone every day, send parcels or write letters. Possibly we will find new qualities in this new kind of encounter, maybe even a new intimacy. Letters are often much more personal. And Grandma can take the time to answer. At work, you can use the opportunity to break free from the rhythm of work. Why not go jogging during your lunch break, plan the concept for a walk or do a quick yoga session in the morning?

Finding new, creative solutions sounds stressful again …

It’s not just about becoming perfect in other ways. But to get closer to yourself again. By the way, a very nice exercise helps to avoid falling into the next perfect trap.

Which?

I imagine I’m age-wise, look back on my life and ask myself: What was really important? The next step in your career or that the family celebrated crazy parties and the grandchildren had a lot of fun with grandpa? Or in my job: that I accepted every project and somehow carried it through? Or that I was able to laugh at work and was looking forward to my colleagues?

So we should be more creative and playful. Is there a trick how I can get back to these pages in myself?

Our playful side is active when we do things that we enjoy doing. Often these are activities that already excited us as a child and put us in a good mood: tinkering, messing around, making music, playing. That relaxes, as has been proven brain physiologically.

It sounds like you’re just distracting yourself from the stress.

No. It’s about a real balance in feeling and acting. The left hemisphere is responsible for our rational, logical thinking and our language. The right hemisphere, on the other hand, works with images and is associative. If we are only on the move rationally, the left hemisphere is very active, but the right hemisphere falls short. We feel this imbalance as permanent subliminal stress. When we are stressed, we tend to use our usual methods to counter the stress. That means: I work even harder or become even more perfectionist in the hope that the stress subsides. That doesn’t happen, of course, it just gets worse.

Can the right hemisphere help?

Correct. I activate them by doing handicrafts or playing for an hour. When I do things that make my associative thinking kick in, my playful, creative side. Then both halves of the brain come back into balance – and with it my sense of wellbeing.

What role do exercise, meditation, and healthy eating also play in stress levels?

A big! Exercise breaks down stress hormones. Meditation activates the parasympathetic nervous system, relaxes and brings calm. And a diet that provides long-lasting energy helps you cope better with everyday life. But what is behind a healthy lifestyle: I take care of myself. This self-care is incredibly good.

Doesn’t sound that complicated …

Getting rid of stress is often astonishingly simple and always doable. It is important to get a feeling for who we are, what is important to us and what defines us.

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BRIGITTE 04/2021