“It’s all ok!”
Why emotional perfectionism harms us
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It’s pretty hip to be in a good mood and to believe in the “power of positive thinking”. But is that helpful? No, says research, we’re not doing ourselves any favors.
Good vibes only, alles gut, keep smiling, don’t worry, be happy”? Anyone who looks for the positive in everything and ignores negative feelings is an “emotional perfectionist”. While we usually think of a perfectionist as someone who has a very has high standards for their own performance, emotional perfectionists set a similarly high bar when it comes to their feelings. They expect themselves to be generally optimistic and in a good mood. Envy, hatred, anger, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness? Better not, get rid of it quickly!
The price of ’emotional perfectionism’
But what may sound reasonable at first (why bother with uncomfortable feelings?), can have serious consequences. Because suppressing and denying normal human emotions is harmful in the long run, for our psyche and for our relationships. British psychologist and neuroscientist Annie Hickox, who coined the term “emotional perfectionism,” writes on her site:
“Although suppressing our emotions can be helpful in certain situations, it prevents us from moving forward in life and can even lead to depression. When we fail to meet such unrealistic standards, we feel a sense of failure and worthlessness.
Based on her experiences with patients, Hickox also believes that emotional perfectionism is a cause of fears can be. Besides, he could prevent us from making viable Relationships respectively. For example, in a couple where one person is more gloomy and pessimistic and the other person is constantly cheering them up, this can lead to toxic positivity because one person feels like they are not being heard. The underlying message is, “You shouldn’t think like that.” And anyone who has the feeling that they are not allowed to show their emotions feels permanently like he’s choking.
Hickox emphasizes that there are no good and bad feelings, just as there is no good and bad food. There is only the evaluation or perception: that is bad food, that is bad feelings.
The antidote is “emotional tolerance”
But what can we do against emotional perfectionism? The solution, according to Hickox, is practicing “emotional tolerance,” or the ability to deal with all emotions, including the “bad” ones. The goal is to accept the feelings that arise and say something like, “I’m angry. That’s the angry part of me, and that’s okay. I know I have a soft and tender side, too, and that will come another time to expression.” Developing an openness to all feelings can be a milestone on the path to healing, especially for women who have learned that their needs matter little.
This is how you develop more emotional tolerance
1) Be mindful
According to Hickox, mindfulness is the way to develop emotional tolerance. If you feel an unloved feeling like envy or anger, you should not push it away, but stop, allow it and think about it: “What does the feeling tell me – and what is the story behind it?
2) Giving up control
Perfectionists are control freaks, they want to have everything under control. Realizing that this is not possible anyway and that nothing is guaranteed can reduce perfectionist tendencies.
3) Welcome negative emotions
Negative emotions have an important function. They are signals from the brain and body that something is wrong. It is good to take them seriously and understand what they want to tell us.
Sources used: Washington Post, dranniehickox.co.uk