Psychology: Why it becomes increasingly difficult to make friends as adults

Scientifically explained
Why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult

You used to sit next to each other in math and you were automatically friends. Why it’s often much harder for us as adults to make—and keep—friendships.

While our friends are at the top of our priority list in childhood and adolescence, the focus often shifts in adulthood. Losing touch with a girlfriend or boyfriend is a natural process, often related to changing lifestyles. For example, moving or emigrating vs. staying in the home town, children vs. no children, strong focus on the job vs. more free time. Because one thing is certain: friendships have to be nurtured, and that takes time and shared experiences.

Friendships are often a lower priority for adults

And it is precisely this time that is often lacking when we are speeding through the rush hour of life. Years of a global pandemic with contact restrictions and the like certainly didn’t help. The result: Many friendships break up or just slowly fade away – which is sometimes no less painful than a dramatic rift.

The problem with it: In adulthood it is also much more difficult to make new friends. In kindergarten, at school and also during our studies, our circle of friends is growing every day. In (almost) every new group, every new course or project we find people who we quickly grow fond of – or with whom we at least have common interests. The older we get, the fewer new friends seem to be made.

In adulthood, the conditions for forming friendships are more difficult

The US psychologist Marisa G. Franco from the University of Maryland explains why this is so to the radio station “WBUR”: “Sociologists have identified the prerequisites that we need to make friends naturally. And these are constant spontaneous interactions and a shared vulnerability.” As adults, we just find ourselves in situations like this less and less often.

So the problem often lies in the fact that in adulthood we expect to find new friends just as naturally and constantly as we did when we were children or teenagers. In the past, we often automatically gained a girlfriend after just a few days of sitting next to each other doing maths – whereas today we would not necessarily speak of an emotional bond after a joint project with a dear colleague.

Finding friends as adults: don’t rely on chance

So, as adults, if we’re looking to expand our circle of friends—whether we’ve just moved towns or are just not on the same wavelength as old friends—we need to be strategic about it. As unnatural as this may sound, it’s important to realize that friendships in your 30’s, 40’s, or even 60’s don’t just spring out of thin air or randomly sharing the same classroom table. We have to take action and not wait for things to be just as easy as they were back then.

So just ask the nice new colleague if you want to have lunch together or go out for a drink. Or your mat neighbor in the yoga class. The advantage of colleagues or people with whom we share a hobby is that we have something in common.

Another option: ask your girlfriend if she would like to do something for three with you and her other friend, with whom you had a nice chat on her birthday. According to the psychologist Marisa Franco, it is often easier to maintain and maintain bonds in groups in adulthood. “These friendships are often more lasting than those between individuals,” explains the expert. “So there are always several points of contact. One person from the group reports, and so everyone stays in touch.”

It’s not you: why we mistakenly assume rejection

Becoming active in the search for friends not only helps you to solve the problem yourself – you can also polish up your self-confidence that may have been damaged. If we have fewer friends and it is not easy for us to find new ones, we often look for the fault in ourselves: “Something must be wrong with me if I only have a few friends.”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Instead, realize that it’s often simply because of the situation that we, as adults, have a smaller circle of friends. “We all tend to believe that we are rejected more often than we actually are,” says researcher Marisa Franco on this phenomenon. You are not alone with this feeling.

Finally, don’t forget that a few intimate and deep friendships are often far more valuable than a large group of more superficial bonds. As with almost everything in life, the same applies here: quality over quantity.

Sources used: wbur.org, verywellmind.com

Bridget