Some people find it very difficult to contradict other people. You can read here what the reasons are and what formulations can help those affected.
Saying no, criticizing, contradicting – the great challenges of human interaction. At least for some people. Others seem to like nothing more than to point out the mistakes and errors of those around them or to make it clear that they see something completely differently than the person they are talking to. For me, the latter are above all admirable and enviable, because I am one of those people who prefer to say yes to everything and agree.
According to the nuggets of scientific theory I know, I’m in good company with my tendency to agree. In 2016, for example, Melbourne researchers from the Monash Institute of Cognitive and Clinical Neurosciences were able to show that contradiction can cause physically detectable stress. One of the researchers, Juan Domínguez, said: “People like to agree with others. A social standard known as ‘truth bias’ that helps build and maintain relationships. People don’t like to say that others Don’t tell the truth or lie because it creates an unpleasant situation.” Who wants to be responsible for creating an unpleasant situation?
But for me there is something else that I think makes it more difficult for me to contradict myself: I fundamentally doubt that I know anything better than the person I’m talking to. Or think that what it says is right in some way and I just need to think (or ask) long enough to understand which way. That’s why it seems disrespectful to me to contradict, disrespectful to the person I’m talking to and what they have to say. But I admit, probably the more important thing is: I would like to be liked by everyone, not make anyone feel uncomfortable, and ideally only have complete harmony and unity in my social interactions.
The only problem is that people are constantly telling untruths or lying. And of all the reasons that could be found to correct errors and lies that we notice, one seems to me to be the most motivating to do so: if we always agree with everything uncritically, sooner or later we can look pretty stupid. For example, it can be embarrassing if it turns out that we just let some nonsense go, and we can forfeit our right to be taken seriously. I respect people who disagree with me and am often even grateful – after a few hours at the latest. At least as long as they don’t seem to contradict me constantly and on principle. So if you have a similarly strong tendency to agree as I do: I fear it is in our interest to learn to disagree. Perhaps the following formulations can help overcome the first threshold.
4 ideas for gentle and respectful disagreement
“Interesting point of view. Here’s how I see it…”
Objecting without contradicting – it couldn’t be easier, this formulation could be the breakthrough for some objection-illiterates and newbies. An extremely clever colleague of mine says she has been using it for years and seems to be successful with it. At least I haven’t experienced any unpleasant situations with her yet. Although I certainly say a lot of nonsense in everyday life – and she is very attentive.
“I believed that until recently, but now I’ve learned…”
Whether it’s true or not: With this formulation we join forces with our counterpart, stand next to them on their level of ignorance and error and then show them the path that by chance has led us one step further. We say: “No need to be ashamed, I’m still amazed that I don’t agree with you anymore, but the world has really gone crazy.” Pretty easy to say, pretty easy to hear – I’ll try that phrase next time someone tells me hillbillies have something to do with California.
“That would be news to me, what makes you think that?”
It can work, but it can possibly make the situation even more stressful: indicate doubts about what has been said, hope that these will spread to the other person, and ideally save yourself the real contradiction. However, if the doubts do not take hold, we may end up with even more to object to. While I will remember this phrase, I prefer to only use it on select people for whom I think it will have the desired effect.
“No, you’re wrong.”
As difficult as it may sometimes be to object, from a rational point of view there is nothing involved. All people are wrong because no one is omniscient and we can learn a lot from each other. Anyone who contradicts openly and directly demonstrates that they have understood and trust that the other person does the same and can deal with an objection. It may not feel like it to me, and perhaps it’s because I overcomplicate things in my thinking, but sometimes the simplest, clearest contradiction can contain an expression of deep respect and appreciation. The day when I can utter this sentence in a relaxed manner and without feeling overwhelmed, I will paint myself blue (I use blue ink as standard, otherwise I would of course have chosen red).
Sources used: monash.edu