therapist reveals
In this way, you manage not to give too much attention to the opinions of others
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“Oh no, what do you think he thinks of me now?” Psychotherapist Jenny Maenpaa reveals how we find out from these and similar thoughts.
Remember when you really embarrassed yourself in front of this handsome guy with just one statement? He probably didn’t really like you from the start, you might think. Your embarrassment ended up being just the icing on the cake. What, it’s been a year now? It feels like yesterday, you feel so embarrassed every time the scene unintentionally plays out in your mind’s eye.
To a certain extent, everyone cares what other people think of them. “But it’s possible to worry too much,” writes psychotherapist Jenny Maenpaa in an article for the online magazine Make It. She has some tips for all those people who care too much about the opinions and thoughts of others.
How to recognize that you are developing social anxiety
Of course, we rarely care completely about what a long-time friend thinks about us as individuals – if we do, then we need to reflect on the emotional depth of that friendship. But if we are emotionally overwhelmed by just meeting a complete stranger, it can be a sign that we are suffering from social anxiety.
People with social anxiety can have great difficulty speaking with others, meeting new people, or attending social events. Social anxiety is different than shyness: For those who are shy, dealing with people at work, for example, can be a challenge – but the level of suffering is completely different for people with social phobia. According to figures from the pharmaceutical company MSD, around 9 percent of women and 7 percent of men are affected by social anxiety disorder each year.
Possible signs include:
- You replay past social interactions in your head
- Basically you assume that people don’t like you
- You often ponder what to say
- Control over your image is very important to you, which is why you hide the real you
- You often lie awake at night wondering how to handle a social interaction
- There are physical symptoms when you interact with other people, such as a racing heart, shallow breathing, poor concentration, dizziness, or stomach pain, among others
How can we overcome these fears?
Social anxiety can be a serious burden in our everyday lives. Psychotherapist Maenpaa has two tips to get a better grip on them.
Practice “cognitive reframing”
It’s such a thing with reality – everyone perceives it differently, because everyone has different filters that they (consciously or unconsciously) place over their individual view of things. In other words, there is not just one truth, not just one story. Our personal perception does not have to match that of other people.
In reinterpretation (“reframing”), a different meaning or meaning is assigned to a situation by trying to view what happened in a different context (or “frame” or “frame”). The meaning behind it: The frame of a picture defines the section of the overall picture – and the perspective of an individual person on a scene does the same. But like the frame, which is limited, our view of the world is also limited and when we become aware of this fact, we can better allow alternative/other interpretations of what happened.
The therapist also gives an example: “I didn’t expect to meet my boss’ spouse at the event last night and I behaved so stupidly.” You may not have been at your best in this scene – but that’s just one way of looking at things. Another perspective could be: “I was unprepared, but since the conversation only lasted about five minutes, I probably didn’t say anything too bad. Also, things like this have happened to me before in my life and it’s always gone well.”
Demand hard evidence in an internal discussion
We are our own biggest critics and we often take the sometimes harsh words of our inner voice all too easily at face value. Why actually? “You’re so stupid, nobody likes you. The colleague just walked past you without saying a word. She hates you.” – instead of accepting such a statement, the therapist advises that we get used to answering the inner voice: “What evidence do you have for your steep hypothesis?” In this example, you could list all the successes you’ve had and all the people who really enjoy spending time with you. Did your colleague tell you that something is wrong between you? Has anyone else pointed out their displeasure with you?
In short: As long as the inner voice has no solid evidence for its nasty opinions, they are nothing more than hot air in the end – and certainly not facts.
It is important not to downplay or even ignore these fears: It can be important and helpful to turn to professional therapeutic help if you have the feeling that you cannot get out of the mental vicious circle on your own.
Sources used: cnbc.com, healthline.com, msdmanuals.com