recognize this mind manipulation technique

Recognizing a toxic relationship is sometimes difficult, as the abusive behavior invades the relationship in pernicious and invisible ways at first. Violence is also psychological and has serious consequences. It manifests itself through insults, denigration, devaluation, control, indifference or even manipulation. From handling techniques most devastating, the gaslighting aims to demolish the identity of the victim as well as his sanity.

What is gaslighting?

The term first appeared in the United States in the 1940s after the film was released. Gaslight. In this thriller, Ingrid Bergman plays a woman who thinks she is going mad, because of the psychological manipulations used by her husband. “Gaslighting is described as a manipulation technique”, explains from the outset Virginie Loÿ, life coach specializing in reconstruction after an abusive relationship and author of a book on the subject, Getting out of an abusive relationship (Eyrolles editions). “We can find it in the couple, in the professional environment, in the friendly relations, in the political world”, she enumerates. This is a behavior whereby the manipulative person aims to make the other doubt his thinking, the validity of his emotions or his perception of reality, which makes him vulnerable and confused. The specialist qualifies however: “I like to take a step back from that and define it as an unbalanced interaction between two people”, citing in particular the work of the American psychologist Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect.

Without ever trying to feel guilty, the latter recalls in her book that it takes two to dance what she calls the “gaslight tango”: one person who wants to dominate and another who endures it because she idealizes her executioner. and seeks his recognition. “Gaslighting is one way of behaving among many others that a person wanting to establish his ascendancy and domination over another will use. On the other hand, the person opposite is ready to give up their free will in exchange for the relationship they think they will get ”, explains Virginie Loÿ.

Read also : Micro-manipulation, the scourge of toxic relationships

The stages of handling gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that evolves in three phases, from a minor feeling of unease to severe depression. “The warning signs will be different depending on the three stages”, warns the coach. “The gaslighter will challenge the victim’s perceptions. It will intervene through lies, questioning, criticism. Not all liars are gaslighter! But there, there is a goal which is domination ”, specifies the expert. The systematic aspect and the imbalance of the relation also make it possible to better define this technique of manipulation. “There is no reciprocity, says Virginie Loÿ. It is always the same person who questions, questions, criticizes and always the same person who questions himself and who, ultimately, will validate the experience of the other ”.

1. The first signs of gaslighting
The first phase of gaslighting is characterized by incomprehension. “The gaslighter will issue a criticism (” you are too jealous “,” you are too authoritarian “or” but no, you are wrong “) and at that moment, the victim doubts, is in the misunderstanding”, indicates Virginie Loÿ. At this point, it is possible to feel some form of confusion, unease, but the victim would rather admit that she is wrong, rather than take the risk of losing the relationship.

2. The victim adopts the manipulator’s point of view
“The victim begins to realize that it is easier to rally to the manipulator’s cause. But her whole body is screaming “I want to be heard” ”, notes the specialist. This results in a great cognitive dissent. “The phrase that will often come up is ‘You’re right, but …'”, notes Virginie Loÿ. The victim is exhausted from having to defend himself.

3. Self-surrender
It is the most serious stage of gaslighting, according to Virginie Loÿ. “We totally espouse the manipulator’s point of view:“ you’re right, it’s all my fault ”. The associated emotions are exhaustion, disconnection, and it goes as far as depression, physical and psychological illnesses ”, says the specialist. The victim loses and gives up his own identity.

How to get out of gaslighting?

To get out of it, but above all not to fall into the trap, “Work on your self-esteem, your emotional independence” is fundamental, says the coach. A work on oneself which will help not / no longer play the role of malicious people. For Virginie Loÿ, two steps are essential: awareness and click. Thanks to an article like ours, a video testimony, the help of a friend … The trigger is the moment when we understand that the situation we are experiencing is not normal. It can take a long time to accept that you are a victim. “To get out of this toxic pattern, you have to be ready to do anything to make things change”, warns the expert. Setting our limits is necessary to protect our emotional and mental space. “We define them for ourselves, in relation to ourselves, by accepting that we cannot control the behavior of the other, but that we can decide what we are going to do if the person does not respect this limit”, details Virginie Loÿ. In addition, the victim of gaslighting is often disconnected from his emotions. “We have to start trusting our feelings again: understand that our body does not lie, trust what it tells us and learn to connect to our emotions”. Finally, refocusing on yourself, on your well-being, and (re) putting yourself in priority is essential to put an end to the manipulation. The need for fusion, recognition and validation of the person who undergoes this form of manipulation can be a sign of emotional dependence. Therapy then allows you to regain confidence, love and respect yourself. But also, “Develop or redevelop the other pillars that we have in our life (work, friends, hobbies, family …), see that our whole life is not played out in a relationship”, emphasizes the life coach.

It is difficult to come out of an abusive relationship, but it is not inevitable. Do not hesitate to talk to people you trust about your situation first if you can, as well as a psychologist who can certainly help you.

thanks to Virginie Loÿ, coach certified by The Life Coach School. His site dedicated to abusive relationships something-par-jour.com

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Video by Juliette Le Peillet

Marion Dos Santos Clara

Lifestyle journalist, Marion writes on topics related to psychology, love and sexuality, from a societal perspective. From female pleasure to new methods of personal development, …