Recognize the signs early
Is your relationship in danger?
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Stonewalling is one of the four early signs that can predict the end of a relationship. What’s behind it? Find out here.
in the Gottmann Institute We have been researching for 25 years what actually constitutes healthy partnerships. Why are couples happy for years?while others lose sight of love for one another? According to the scientist and founder John Gottmann, that can be done Failure of a partnership Predict very early on – with four signs that show up early in the relationship. One of them: Stonewalling.
Stonewalling: what is it exactly?
Stonewalling is about that one or both partners wall. We can understand the English term almost literally: Stonewalling, derived from “stonewall”, means in German stone wall. One or both parties in the partnership deliberately close themselves off and no longer allow conversation.
You can imagine it that way: Something annoys you that you absolutely want to address. If you start the confrontation, the allegations are immediately fended off and the topic is stopped by leaving the room. Here the door is practically closed and an emotional wall is built – neither clarification nor discussion is possible.
Stonewalling: What Are the Consequences?
Each of us has a bad day when we can’t take criticism and just want to pull ourselves out of the situation. But imagine if any kind of critical conversation ends with stonewalling. The consequences would be:
- There is never any real clarification of what is bothering you.
- You don’t feel taken seriously and therefore not valued.
- The relationship cannot develop because problems are not resolved.
- You have to identify your dissatisfaction with yourself because the other person doesn’t want to cooperate.
- You stop addressing problems because you no longer have any hope of clarification, which leads to fewer and fewer conversations.
- You don’t feel understood.
If that goes on for a while, the situation becomes so uncomfortable and stressful, that it can come to a separation.
Stonewalling: what can I do?
If you recognize this pattern in your partnership, don’t panic first. Stonewalling usually only becomes dangerous if it is still three more problematic behavior patterns appear in the partnership – at least if it goes according to the scientific findings of the Gottmann Institute. And these are:
- Constant criticism. This does not mean constructive, constructive criticism, but rather constant critical accusations. (“You never take down the trash, you only think of yourself!”)
- Contempt. The partner is devalued in his person. (“You are tired? What can I say, I’ve had a lot more to do than you, you shouldn’t complain.”)
- Defensiveness. A defensive and defensive stance that becomes particularly clear in the case of demands or criticism. (“I’m definitely not apologizing, I didn’t do anything wrong.”)
Stonewalling: How should I act?
Even if stonewalling is an issue in your relationship right now – It does not have to stay like this. There are a few tips that you can use to relent positively in these situations.
You recognized stonewalling in your partner:
- Pay attention to the right time: After a stressful day at work, the person you’re talking to is likely to be less receptive to problematic words.
- Create a peaceful atmosphere: This way, the chances are better for an open ear.
- Talk about yourself: Your counterpart is less bricking when you start sentences with “I” – then they sound less like accusations.
You recognized stonewalling in yourself:
- Ask for time to think about it: If you feel overwhelmed, communicate this calmly and ask for a break before responding to the criticism.
- Take it less personally: Difficult, but helpful! Your partner is not criticizing the whole person, just one behavior – don’t let it pull you down so much that you wall up.
- See the criticism as an opportunity: Even if you wall up because you are not interested in a dispute – a great opportunity can be hidden behind it. Through pronunciation, you can reach a new level of connectedness. Use it!
Stonewalling and narcissism
Stonewalling is one of the typical behavior patterns which is very common among narcissists. First of all: not everyone who does stonewalling is a narcissist. But almost all narcissists practice stonewalling.
Narcissism is one diagnosable personality disorderin which those affected have an extremely exaggerated self-image. Therefore, they cannot deal with criticism at all and brick immediately when confronted. Narcissists are often very ruthless and have little empathy. They use stonewalling as a form of punishmentto manipulate the behavior of others. But is the other person really a narcissist? You can only weigh that up when you analyze the further behavior. Here we showed you how to recognize a narcissist. Also read: Covert Narcissism: How To Know It
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Sources used: gottman.com, mindsettherapyonline.com