psychology
4 reasons why we really ignore red flags in relationships
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In hindsight, we often see so clearly how unhealthy the relationship was. Why don’t we recognize beforehand that certain behaviors are definite red flags? Four possible reasons.
We use terms like toxic or red flags almost inflationary when it comes to relationships. But there are some points that psychologists actually warn about when we get to know someone. These include unhealthy relationship dynamics such as strong jealousy and compulsion to control, aggressive or avoidant conflict behavior or the feeling that we cannot be ourselves.
It often happens that family and friends point out such problematic dynamics to us, but we do not (want to) see them ourselves. Why is it that we can see from the outside – or even afterwards, after the relationship has broken up – what is going wrong, but not when we are in the middle of it ourselves?
Here’s why we ignore red flags in relationships: 4 possible reasons
1. Everything goes very quickly.
Everyone has their own comfortable pace in a new relationship. Some need months before they feel ready for a first kiss, others would like to live with their new sweetheart after just a few weeks. However, when we jump into a new relationship too quickly, there’s a problem: When we’re newly in love, we can’t think straight. Due to hormones, we actually have the proverbial rose-colored glasses on. If we now make big decisions in this irrational phase, for example if we quickly move in together, we often have the feeling later on that we cannot attach so much importance to red flags. After all, we’ve come this far…
2. We are too gullible.
Optimism is an important quality. But in relationships it can also be fatal to us. Because if your:e partner:in exhibits problematic behavior and, for example, becomes uncontrollably aggressive in an argument, it doesn’t help much to convince yourself that “it will get better on its own at some point”. Because either you talk about it and your counterpart is seriously willing to work on himself and his mistakes – or at some point you have to realize that the relationship will make you unhappy in the long run.
3. We don’t trust ourselves.
A lack of self-confidence is another possible reason why we don’t want to acknowledge red flags in our relationship. Because if you have unhealthy thought patterns like “I’m sure I’m exaggerating, it’s not that bad” or “I must have misunderstood that”, then you probably don’t trust your own perception and assessment enough. Somehow you may feel that something is wrong – but you are more likely to blame yourself than to admit that your partner’s behavior is not okay.
4. We are afraid of being alone.
Recognizing red flags as such often ends in a separation. And some people fear that more than being mistreated. True to the motto: A dysfunctional relationship is better than no relationship at all. This fear can lead us to ignore problematic patterns because the risk of being otherwise alone and even lonely seems greater to us than “a few conflicts.”
Sources used: psychcentral.com, psychologytoday.com