Half as wild
Why rejection has nothing to do with you
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Rejection can be hell – because we feel so worthless. The good news is: The reasons are usually not ours.
Rejection is a part of life – and it always hurts. It starts with the euphoric WhatsApp message sent, which is ignored, with the colleague who only has lunch with the other person, the partner who prefers to look at the cell phone instead of looking into our eyes. In childhood it was the stinging ball game that you were the last to be elected to the team. You entered the field with aching heart and the humiliating feeling of being at the maximum for the remaining stock. What we didn’t consider: In every single game there is someone who is voted last. It always hits someone, not just you.
It’s even worse not getting the job you’re so passionate about or being fired even though you’ve given your all. The most devastating thing is being abandoned – a bit like drowning, as BRIGITTE couple therapist Oskar Holzberg describes it. It is the ultimate rejection by the most important person to whom you have shown to a large extent what you are – and who now no longer wants you.
It’s not a match!
We almost always look to blame: We have behaved wrongly, made unforgivable mistakes, are not good enough for each other, have failed (again), are not lovable. But that’s the wrong approach to understanding what happened. Because the reasons for the rejection are never (only) with us.
Everyone carries their own story and their wounds with them – we ourselves, but also our partners: inside, friends, superiors. If they reject us one way or another, the reason is often their own. And sometimes we’re just not a good match. So we should stop taking rejection and rejection personally. We should try not to tear ourselves apart, but rather analyze what happened.
For example, there are people who leave: the partner: in fear of being abandoned themselves – some as soon as there are problems, others as soon as the relationship becomes binding. Or you don’t get the job because you don’t fit into the quota or the potential new supervisor fears that you are superior to him. It wasn’t because of your own ineptitude.
Why rejection hurts so much
The pain about the feeling of not being wanted is so massive and existential because life in the group offered our ancestors vital protection, research largely agrees on this. Those who were rejected or cast out by the community had little chance of survival. And even if we can survive on our own in our heated apartments with the thick insurance package in the drawer, social rejection in the brain still feels as real as physical pain.
Worst of all: Saying no to yourself
Because the pain is so intense, many let themselves be paralyzed by the fear of rejection – they do not even apply for the dream job or avoid the person who fascinates them. The American Jia Jiang did not want to accept this any longer and exposed himself to “rejection therapy”: for 100 days he deliberately put himself into situations in which he had to expect rejection (e.g. borrowing 100 euros from a stranger). Here’s what he learned: The saying “The worst thing you can say is no” is not true. Right: “The worst thing you can say is ‘He didn’t even ask.'” Because that means that I said no to myself, “Jiang writes as a conclusion on his blog Rejectiontherapy.com.
The positive thing about the rejection
In addition: in retrospect, we usually see that a rejection has given us more suitable alternatives: If you look back on the jobs that you didn’t get, or on the partners who searched the long way – then at some point we see that this made opportunities and experiences possible that were even more precious and groundbreaking for us. If you get a no, you should be curious – for the more appropriate yes that is waiting somewhere.
Sources: The Observer, Elephant Journal, Psychology Today