Loneliness is a good reason to form relationships – but not a suitable basis for an intimate bond. Here you can find out which signals can indicate that it is primarily the fear of being alone that connects you with a person, not love for them.
Humans are social beings, we cannot live without each other. There are numerous studies that show that relationships not only have a decisive influence on our happiness, but also on our health – although one may certainly cause the other. Loneliness, on the other hand, can shorten our life expectancy in extreme cases, but as a rule it at least affects our quality of life. In this respect, it is fundamentally understandable and wise that we seek social contacts and establish relationships so that we do not feel lonely.
However, fear of loneliness is not a particularly good reason to hold on to an already established intimate relationship. A relationship that is primarily based on avoiding loneliness will not give us what we need and want in the long term – for example security, intimacy, security, support. The positive effects that healthy relationships have on our lives will not materialize. Although it was exactly what we wanted to avoid, sooner or later we will feel lonely despite, or rather because of, this relationship.
According to the psychologist, the following characteristics are typical of relationships that we primarily force in order not to be lonely.
Relationship: 5 signs it’s not based on love but on loneliness
1. You are not yourself in your relationship.
If we pretend in a relationship and act as we think we have to be so that the other person doesn’t leave us, it is often an unconscious attempt to make something fit that doesn’t actually fit. An effort at the relationship for the sake of the relationship – not for our sake. An essential aspect of a healthy, life-enriching relationship is that we can show and live out our authentic self and that we feel comfortable, accepted and loved as we are, because only then does it offer us a living environment in which our self-confidence and our identity can grow.
2. You wish your friend or partner were (someone) different.
All people are annoying, exhausting and outrageously stupid in their own way – but when we love a person, we accept their shortcomings without quarreling with them. Because what we value far outweighs that. And because the person wouldn’t be her without her. So, if we find ourselves in a friendship or partnership repeatedly wishing that the person in question were different in significant ways, such as being more extroverted, more serious, or more like ourselves, it is likely a signal that we are not being honest with them loving and holding on to the relationship for another reason – perhaps fear of loneliness.
3. You suffer from your extreme jealousy.
Occasional, measured, and situational jealousy is normal in a healthy, intimate relationship. It reminds us that we care about a person and that we find them lovable and attractive. Constant and almost agonizing feelings of jealousy, on the other hand, are often a result of fear of loss and a complete lack of trust, which in turn is often accompanied by an excessive fear of loneliness.
4. You feel like you need to be with the person all the time.
The need to cling and the fear of giving another person space typically indicate a lack of trust and low regard for the person. The reason for this can be an excessive focus on maintaining the relationship out of fear of loneliness: If we are primarily motivated in a relationship by the interest in avoiding being alone, this often makes it difficult for us to see and respect the other person with their needs and demands. Instead, we try to cling and control him through clinging and constant closeness, because that way we feel like we control the relationship.
5. You can’t imagine how you would get along without the person.
Ideally, our personal relationships are an essential and important part of our lives. They strengthen our self-confidence and our courage and thus give us a feeling of freedom and independence. On the other hand, if we perceive a relationship as our only option, as the foundation on which our life is built, there is a high probability that we will cling to this relationship mainly out of fear. Only when we know that we could do without someone can we choose freely and out of love to share our life or any part of it with that person.
Conclusion
The fear of loneliness is human and understandable, taking active and conscious measures to avoid being lonely undoubtedly makes sense. However, forcing a specific relationship or type of relationship to save us from loneliness is not a very promising path. Often, the more we become obsessed with a person, the more likely it is that we would be better off letting go of that person and our relationship with them and opening up to other people. Because people and relationships that are really designed to protect us from loneliness don’t make us stiff – they make us relax.
Sources used: Andrea Huss and Ulrich Hoffmann: “The relationship compass. What scientists have discovered about the secret of love and partnership.”, psychologytoday.com