Couples therapist clarifies
Age difference in relationship: how big is too big?
© Koto Amatsukami / Shutterstock
Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.
Can an age difference be too big? Never for love. Maybe for life.
How does age change everyday relationships?
Sanja is 21 years old, her boyfriend James is almost as old as her parents. They reject James – not as a person, but as a partner for their daughter. Sanja can even understand that her parents are skeptical of this relationship. But she gets along great with James, and they are really happy together.
If Sanja could simply follow the romantic love myth, then nothing would stand in the way of their relationship. Then love just blooms where it falls. And yet it is no coincidence that people of similar age tend to come together for a partnership. Because resemblance makes it easier for us to find ourselves in the other, and feelings of closeness, solidarity and harmony emerge much more effortlessly. We have lived through the same fashions and historical events, are shaped by the same social conflicts, the same songs, games, books and films.
And not only the past, but also the future connects us. We will go through the same phases of life at the same time, complete our education, wish for children, suffer the crises of midlife and grow old. But Sanja will start her job when James retires. And your desire to have children may be incompatible with his desire to finally enjoy life in peace.
Oskar Holzberg, 67, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for over 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called “Neue Schlüsselsätze der Liebe” (240 pages, 11 euros, DuMont).
© Ilona Habben
We have to test ourselves
Couples like Sanja and James are therefore asked questions. Is a young person dependent and almost abusively seduced into a different life? Or is an older person trying in vain to escape his old age? Isn’t Emmanuel Macron looking for his mother in his Brigitte after all? As soon as a gray-haired celebrity marries a young partner, my phone rings and a journalist wants to know what age differences say about a couple. A question to which there is no clear answer. But the greater the age difference, the more clearly the couple feels the contradiction we all live with: on the one hand, following our feelings, being spontaneous and free. And on the other hand, building our love relationships so carefully that a sustainable life emerges from them. “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64 …” – and you’re only 38 then and still changing all the time?
Of course we want each other don’t ask that question. Nevertheless, we should check for ourselves whether we are not getting into something that is not good for us. As soon as we stray too far from our desires, give up all the ideas we had about a relationship, then it can be a signal that we may be on the wrong path. Being an unusual couple can also weld partners together in a bad way.
But on the other hand, what the wise myth researcher Joseph Campbell wrote in the book of life for all of us also applies: “If the path you are on is clearly ahead of you, then you may be on someone else’s path.”
“Couple adox” is the new podcast with Oskar Holzberg and his wife Claudia. You speak openly about topics that keep challenging relationships. Funny, exciting and insightful! I.a. on Audio Now.
Would you like to read more about the topic and exchange ideas with other women? Then have a look at the “Relationship in Everyday Life Forum” BRIGITTE community past!
Get the BRIGITTE as a subscription – with many advantages. You can order them directly here.