Oskar Holzberg
What to do if there are inequalities in the relationship?
© Jacob Lund / Adobe Stock
Our couples therapist Oskar Holzberg’s column is all about typical love wisdom and their truthfulness; he dissects proverbs, song lyrics and famous quotes. This time “The decisive factor for a good marriage is not how well you get along, but how you deal with the incompatibilities” (Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer).
In short: Unlike nutrition, we can Don’t avoid incompatibilities in a relationship.
Now in detail: Our romantic relationships are where we seek harmony. The harmony of hearts. A soul mate who has the same preferences, the same goals in life. But people are like snowflakes: all similar, each different. That’s why we’ll soon no longer be able to ignore the fact that he loves heavy red wines and we love Aperol Spritz. That we enjoy stewing in the sauna while she hates sweating. That our loved one only wears any color as long as it is black, while we like colorful fabrics and bright patterns. If someone only wants to be by the sea on vacation, while their partner can only find relaxation beyond two thousand meters in altitude, it becomes difficult. But we can still find solutions for this. It only becomes problematic when it is no longer just about differences, but about incompatibilities.
There was an ongoing conflict between Thomas and Ivanka, which was frustrating for both of them. Ivanka was constantly stunned by how Thomas ignored her needs, while Thomas was completely unnerved because nothing he did seemed good enough. For example, he just had booked a hotel on the Baltic Sea and, he believed, took into account everything that was important to her: Sea view, quiet location, wellness area, vegan menu. But Ivanka changed her booking again and took a hotel that also had a steam room.
When we talked about it, it became clear that a “satisficer” (Thomas) and an “optimizer” (Ivanka) live together here. “Optimizer” are always looking for the very best solution, the most perfect fulfillment of their wishes. “Satisficer” are happy when they have found a satisfactory solution and don’t have to put in a lot of additional effort. Thomas and Ivanka differ in their personalities. And in any relationship it becomes difficult when the needs of one person are not compatible with those of the other.
Incompatibilities in the partnership
As with food intolerances The incompatibilities in the partnership must first be recognized and understood. If introverts, who tend to make social contacts, meet extraverted partners who thrive in society, then it’s easy to see. Even if “larks” who have their best time in the morning meet “owls” whose peak is in the evening. Or order fanatics meet chaotic people, stingy people meet consumer addicts. But if one manages their worries and fears by thinking and talking about them at length, while the other prefers to suppress everything, it is not immediately obvious. Or when visual people who experience the world through their eyes meet kinesthetes for whom sensing is crucial.
Incompatibilities cannot be resolved. But once we understand which of our personality traits are incompatible with each other, we can let go of our conflict. Because our favorite person doesn’t refuse us, he isn’t against us either. He just reacts to the world completely differently. And we cannot demand that he become like us. When we acknowledge this, incompatibilities become differences. And even if it’s not easy: we can learn to live with them.
Oskar Holzberg has been treating couples and writing about it for almost 30 years. He says: “Love is not an illusion, but we have too many illusions about love.”
Oskar Holzberg, 67, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for over 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called “New Key Phrases of Love” (240 pages, 11 euros, DuMont).
© Ilona Habben