“We don’t like that”
Ms. Therapist, how do you manage to remain one self in a relationship?
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In a relationship, some couples quickly merge into an oversized “we”. But how do I manage to remain me despite all this “we” feeling?
“We’ll be there at four!” “We really enjoyed it!” “We don’t like it that way.”
In my environment, a small word has a big impact. You’ve probably heard it before, after all, when you get to a certain age it’s hard to get past it. There are three letters that follow the three legendary words and then change not only our grammar, but also our everyday dynamics. We, we, everywhere we.
When I hear “we” for the first time from a friend who has a new partner, I am happy. Just like when it stumbles across my lips for the first time. When two Is get closer and they become a we, it initially feels cozy and warm and, well, pretty good. But at some point – at least for me – a little personal pronoun knocks on the wall of my skull and demands attention. It is the self.
A relationship, two individuals and the psychology behind it
After all, you continue to develop in life, not just as a couple, but also as a personality. If the latter falls by the wayside because of the sense of unity, things will usually become difficult sooner or later. For the environment that misses friends as individuals. For the partner, when only one part of the relationship lives in the we and the other fights for space. And for yourself, when at some point you no longer know who you are without the other person.
Why do some people tend to merge into a “we” in relationships – and others don’t? And how do you manage to remain an independent being even though you share the contents of your refrigerator, door keys and heart with someone else? I spoke about this with the psychological consultant Andrea vorm Walde. She has already treated many people and their heartfelt issues and works, among other things, with bonding energetics.
Andrea, does this feeling of togetherness in relationships have to be something negative?
“There are relationships in which two people are so closely connected that they can live like that. But that’s not really often the case. If only one partner really throws themselves into the relationship, it becomes difficult – one will always follow up and the other goes backwards. The proximity-distance ratio is then no longer correct.”
And what do you do there?
“You can only talk about it openly. If the other person only comes with insecurity, fear and mistrust as soon as someone does something alone or for themselves, that is no longer a basis.”
You talk about feeling restricted. But what if you notice that you quickly give up on yourself in relationships?
“Then you have to face it, it takes a lot to admit it to yourself. But you always have to be honest with yourself and be clear about what you’re doing. Personal development is a somewhat worn-out term, but that’s what it’s about: the to find your own personality and stabilize it. And what happens then? You become authentic and notice that people treat you differently. And you look at the relationship differently: Do I have a counterpart who is really interested in me? And he is :she gets excited when I find myself and supports me? Or did he:she find my ‘brackets’ rather flattering? A lot then comes to light.”
And what if the partner doesn’t find their own self-discovery so funny?
“If the other person only ever lives in this sense of togetherness, we won’t be able to love him in the long run. Because what he:she then serves us is dependence and fear of being alone. That’s always unattractive in the long term and it There is a big package full of problems attached to it. A relationship doesn’t mean: I come with all my drama, look for someone and then please save me. The saying is old, but it’s true: You have to love yourself before you love others can really give something. And a relationship always involves give and take.”