Relationship from: As if they had become invisible

BRIGITTE: Ms. Gran, in your book you dealt intensively with people who leave their partners. One thinks intuitively: if you are left sitting, you need more attention.

Sissel Gran: There is a great void in our society. When a person, who gives the impression in the circle of friends to be actually quite okay, is abandoned, everyone asks in astonishment: Why? People think, why do you have to break up with someone who is not a psychopath, is not violent, or does not use drugs? Leaving a highly problematic partner is generally welcomed. But I wanted to give a voice to those who leave a seemingly nice or sympathetic person. In the 40 years that I have worked as a couples therapist, I have met many who had to break out of a relationship that simply couldn't help it. And sympathy was always with those who stayed behind.

Because their fate affects more?

Naturally. To be abandoned is also something extremely painful, a shock. A big piece breaks out, you feel completely defenseless. All of this causes us almost instinctively to feel sorry for the abandoned, to want to protect them. But that's only one side of the story. The others have usually gone through a very long process, sometimes over many years. Where they dreamed that the relationship would change, things would improve. Often they are the abandoned ones while the external relationship is seemingly intact. You have often sought conversation, tried to bring things to the table – unsuccessfully. You keep coming back to one central feeling: total loneliness. They call adjectives like isolated, invisible, unimportant. And as they dwindle more and more, they increasingly lose hope of a good togetherness. Until they finally go.

In your book you write how those who break out are often shocked by the separation.

Many of them weep profoundly when they tell of how hard both enduring forever and the ultimate step towards breaking were. It takes an incredible amount of strength to tear an emotional bond with someone you once loved. You break into tears long afterwards – if the breakup was a long time ago. Even if they have long been remarried or are doing well now, they can clearly remember the grief from that time just before they left. It was like they were dying.

Let's go to those who are being abandoned. You seem to have often refused to be close in advance?

We are talking about people who are very insecure at heart, who did not have a good attachment experience in their childhood. They never feel safe, constantly looking for signs that they are being let down. I had a man in my practice whose wife was always afraid of being abandoned. It didn't help how much he told her he loved her. If he didn't respond adequately, she would panic, start crying, scream. Accused him of having someone else. It's incredibly difficult to live with someone like that.

So best run away?

Yes, otherwise it will lead to the collapse of the healthy partner. The behavior of the other is very controlling. That can ruin you. The bad thing is that at some point the more stable person feels very lonely in this tight network. He is permanently misunderstood.

You write in your book that your clients often felt as if they had been erased.

Exactly. They leave because they have become invisible. Suddenly they no longer recognize each other. It's dangerous because it affects self-worth.

Yet a mother of four who breaks out of a marriage in which she was unhappy is sentenced.

Because the bystanders fear that this could happen to them too. Divorce is contagious – it scares people. They protect themselves by demonizing those who break out. It then means: something is wrong with her. How can you leave such a great man? But if you were to acknowledge that the woman and mother are normal people and their reasons are possibly understandable – then everyone would have to face the truth. It reads: It can happen to anyone. For this reason nobody wants to hear her story.

What kind of story would it be?

Many cannot really describe why they left. It is also interesting that they rarely speak badly of their exes. It then says: He was okay. Or: she was a nice woman. You don't understand exactly what happened. You can put it: I felt like a piece of furniture in this marriage. He never talked to me about things that were important to me. But not: My husband was a bad guy.

What are the red flags that a relationship is not going to work?

When the other isn't really interested in what you're saying. Or stop saying something nice to you relatively quickly, saying thank you or looking at you. It always becomes risky when the other takes you for granted. The following formula applies: if two want to stay together, they have to give each other a sense of importance. Everyone has to be number one with the other.

These two rules are followed by couples who stay together for a lifetime

What does it take for a long love?

Love is based on an unwritten emotional contract. They have two simple rules: The first concerns attachment and is to be there for the other, especially when they need you. The second rule concerns our identity. It's about the feeling that the other person knows who I am. Our longing to be understood. According to the motto: I need to know that you know that I drink tea and not coffee. If you stick to the rules – that is, to really be there for the other person and to be an eye-witness of their life – you can do little wrong. Both assure us: life is not in vain.

Do you have to be able to talk to each other?

When a couple has good small talk about everyday things, that's a good sign. When the two can talk, they care about what's going on in the other's head. It's like a bridge, a trip into each other's space. Preferably several times a day!

What if one day you realize that communication is difficult? Can you then practice in a new language?

I've been married to my all-time favorite husband for 25 years now. He's a surgeon and not a small talker. At first it made me very angry when he looked in his newspaper and said nothing. Although I understood that he didn't mean to shut me out, just very busy with something. But I knew this silence wasn't good for us. So I asked: Hello, talk to me! He then replied very calmly: I cannot think when you scream. My brain then turns to cement. And then I literally don't know what to say. So I had to build another bridge. Today I calmly say: darling, listen to me. I would like your attention. It took me many years to do that.

What if we weren't persuaded that sex has to be sparkling forever?

Then it would be easier. I know from my practice: If you can't get over the declining sex, you have a big problem. I like to say to my friends who lack sex: why are you so angry about it? You've had so much sex in your life, so much fun! You have been erotic beings for so many years, not leaving anything out. Be more humble in the remaining years! If the right date no longer shows up, just forget about it! Do something else with your life!

And what do they reply?

Sometimes someone says: you are right. We really had a good time. Now it's actually really nice to have my body to myself.

In Sissel Grans book "I'm leaving you because I want to live" (Herder Verlag) the therapist portrays very moving people who have broken out of relationships.

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