Relationship: Hand on heart, always loves one: r more?

In a relationship, does one part always love a little more? Couple counselor Eric Hegmann has the answers – and reveals what can really be behind a feeling of imbalance in the partnership.

You are the one who brings your favorite chocolate. The one who writes the last message in the evening and the first in the morning. The one who asks about the day and compliments. You are the one who loves with all your heart – and the one who secretly thinks she loves more.

We have already seen it in series, films and novels, heard it from friends and maybe even experienced it ourselves: the phenomenon of imbalance in relationships. In “How I met your mother” we learned that there is always someone who would bow to the love of the other, in love comedies we were led to believe that it was quite normal for partners to have different feelings for each other – and that means we have planted a seed of insecurity in our belly, which now and then begins to grow in a nurturing environment. Is that me Do I love more right now? Or is it my: e partner: in? And is our love doomed to failure?

If one part has the feeling of investing more in love, maybe even more involved, even loving more, the partnership quickly becomes unbalanced. At least in your head. Because in fact, this perception is not so rarely purely subjective, a pipe dream that may have a reason – but which has nothing to do with a lack of love. We learned that from couple counselor Eric Hegmann, who quickly took the wind out of our sails on our subject.

Mr. Hegmann, always loves one: r more ?, we wanted to know ambitiously, cards on the table, once and for all, after all, this myth has been in our heads since the beginning of our first love. And get the sober answer before the actual interview: “Maybe in advance: Most of the time, love is evenly distributed.” Like right now? There is no drama at all? Not an unjust form of love? Fortunately, a couple canceled their consultation appointment at this very moment, so that the expert was able to provide us with clarification right away. Read it yourself.

Those who do not tick romantically can still love.

Hand on heart, Mr. Hegmann, in partnerships always loves one: r more?

Many couples come to me and have this impression. That is certainly true sometimes, but in my experience it is not right that someone ALWAYS loves more. Often it is more likely that the partners show their love and affection differently. And because everyone feels their kind is the right one, the supposedly “wrong” kind of partner seems like less love. In doing so, the two may simply speak past each other in their expressions of love.

What does that mean? Do you just show your love differently?

The American couples therapist Gary Chapman has shown this common phenomenon in his model “5 languages ​​of love”. Then people prefer one of these five love languages: time for two, gifts, helpfulness, intimacy, as well as praise and recognition. For example, those who see willingness to help themselves as a token of love will experience gifts as less valuable. And those who feel particularly loved by gifts may have little interest in praise and recognition. Only when the partners can synchronize each other in their love languages ​​and translate the behavior, so to speak, do they experience the equality of this way of showing love. By the way, if you want to take a test on your own love language, you can here to do.

A look at the attachment behavior can also be very enlightening: For example, those who expect love at first sight fate-oriented, the relationship starts with 100 percent. There is then little room for improvement. Those who, in a growth-oriented way, expect that love will become more and more solid over the years, may start with 70 percent, but can also increase. If the partners here are very different, it may feel like something is missing that is actually there. But, and unfortunately that is also possible, maybe love will not develop any further, maybe it will also become less. Then the partners are actually at a point where a decision is necessary as to whether they can still see a future for their relationship together.

How can you deal with it when you yourself have the feeling to be more / less involved than the other person?

First of all, I would like to strongly advise the partners to find out whether their understanding of how love is shown and lived. And how it develops over the years and decades is actually the same or possibly different. Those who do not tick romantically can still love.

Conflicts arise when the partners show the same kind of love that they prefer and see as essential and therefore disregard other types. In most cases, in couples therapy, I experience that right after the first aha-effect, how equal such proofs of love actually are, an rapprochement is already possible. Love is not just a feeling, love is also a choice. Namely, to stay tuned when it crunches. But if it permanently hurts more and makes you sad more often than happy, then it probably really doesn’t fit.

How do you manage to keep love in balance?

In a long relationship we fall in love again and again, and feelings are also subject to fluctuations. Here, patience is certainly required sometimes, with yourself and your partner. In a relationship, a couple needs to create opportunities for affection to grow again. This includes remaining curious about each other, constantly experiencing each other in new situations and providing security and security through rituals.

Thank you very much for talking to us, Mr. Hegmann.

Eric Hegmann, couples therapist, singles and parship counselor and founder of the Modern Love School

Guido

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