How can couples keep their love? Dr. med. Werner Bartens explains which behaviors are toxic for a partnership.
"Do I still love my partner at all?" or "Would another partner be better?" – Questions like these can quickly break the neck of a relationship. Dr. med. Werner Bartens, author of "In Praise of Long Love", explains in an interview with the news agency spot on news what the four biggest relationship killers are.
No-go number 1: ask optimization and comparison questions
Some people would adopt a "enough is not enough" attitude, explains Bartens. "This pronounced self-focus leads to high demands on the partner – even among the older generation." If at some point the focus was no longer on career and children, some would constantly ask themselves optimization and comparison questions, which Bartens calls "toxic doubts". "Do I still love this man or woman at all? Would another partner be better? Have I missed a lot?" Are taboo questions in relationships, according to the expert.
Some of them would put together a kind of bucket list in old age, "because they are very afraid of having missed something," the author describes the problem. "This is the sure way to go into disaster," he warns. "Anyone who asks such questions can only be dissatisfied." Because: "There are always more attractive men or women, more exciting conversation partners or more exciting people than the partner you have known for so long." Comparing is a taboo in relationships, says Bartens, "because that's how you begin to take stock." In Bartens' opinion, the death of any partnership is the question: "What does this relationship bring me?" After all, love is characterized by being irrational – and not calculable. "We can fall in love with someone who wears impossible clothes, has a crooked nose or laughs too loudly. That is exactly what love is. Instead of asking questions, we should listen to our feelings," he recommends.
No-go number 2: Constantly criticize your partner – and mean business
"Another danger to the relationship is the merciless, relentless look. Those who constantly criticize their partner must expect their counterpart to be defensive and defensive," warns Bartens. This could lead to an exchange of blows or even a power struggle between the partners. The expert points out: "If feelings such as contempt or disregard are added, the alarm bells should ring."
To counteract this, communication is the crucial point in the relationship: "Absolute no-gos are generalizing sentences such as 'You always do …', 'You are always …', 'You never do …'", he gives as examples. "It doesn't matter if something like that slips out and you then take it back. But it is taboo if these sentences actually reflect the mindset and are repeatedly ripped off the other person."
No-go number 3: Don't accept weaknesses in your partner
In a relationship, it is important to accept minor weaknesses in the partner, advises Bartens. "We shouldn't look at everything with a merciless look and belittle our counterparts," he warns. "After all, we have our own PR department in mind. We can decide for ourselves how we see others."
Attacking your partner as well as being a victim can damage the relationship. In the event of resignation and withdrawal, Bartens prophesies "certain death" for a relationship. Because thoughts like "He or she will never change …" would of course not lead to changes. In contrast, psychologists would advocate the principle of self-efficacy, based on the motto: "I can always do something – in all situations – and a couple can do that too."
No-go number 4: Not being flexible and adaptable
"We change over the years and so do the relationship," explains Bartens, which is why couples should be flexible and adaptable accordingly. It is difficult to age at the same time: "Maybe one person takes huge developmental steps while the other just stands still. One person wants a quiet environment, the other does not want to say goodbye to party life yet." That is exactly why it is necessary to change, since the other person also changes.
"It is important here to show understanding for your partner. You should treat your partner with generosity, tolerance and appreciation", recommends the author and cites as an example: "If your strong-hip partner wants to start synchronized swimming in his mid-forties go ahead and let him do it – and support him in his new hobby instead of making fun of it. "
Bartens books "What Holds Couples Together", "Happiness Medicine" and the "Doctors Hate Book" were on the "Spiegel" bestseller list. In his book "Praise of Long Love", the head of the science department of the "Süddeutsche Zeitung" gives tips for couples in long-term relationships.